You are disgusting

I miss her. The optimistic, ever smiling and naturally open me. I struggle to find the words even in Norwegian. The shift. I know it's hormones and kind of a natural transformation in perimenopause. I don't like it. It's confusing and confronting. Men are disgusting. What?! Their addictive behaviour. Porn. Tobacco. Alcohol. Their lust. It's disgusting. Pigs. Animals. I'm in disbelief. I love men. I want a man as my beloved. I love sex. I love mutual horniness. I can't pinpoint the shift or if it's a natural part of waking up to more honest me. Maybe it's a part of the process in seeing my beloved more clearly? I feel deeply uncomfortable in acknowledge these sides of me. How my nervous system and hormones are reacting. In general I'm less patient with people and I like humans slightly less than before. It's vulnerable and I have to trust it's my changing and shifting hormones. I feel more aggressive,  more blunt, more I don't give shit, fuck off, I'm bored, tired or in pain so I don't give a damn about you. What the flying fuck! It didn't know how huge shift this actually is. The amount of negative emotions. It isn't me. I'm naturally easy going and friendly. Or is it learned behaviour? A part of my survival strategy? To play nice and kind. To smile and fawn?

I'm taking good care of myself. My daily routine has expanded. I'm gentle and soft towards myself as often as possible. Compassionate. It's a huge undertaking. Rebuild. Rebirth. Reboot. A whole new me is emerging. Stronger in certain places. Softer in others. Headstrong and tender. Clear and confused. Open and yet less available.

This ever changing life. I want a man. Now. Mutual attraction. Mutual effort. Mutual horny. Mutual love and willingness to build something real. I want him. And I want him now. Yes especially in my "ugly mess" of hormone changing phase. A brave, kind, vital man. Kinky with a warm heart, clear mind and strong body. Amen.