Deep exhale

Suddenly life is intensely busy and incredibly exciting and good. I feel slightly frantic and the need to slow down is so necessary. Finally I have a moment to breath on my own. To lean back a little and to feel myself and my own being. It's massive when life provides all the freaking goodness I have yearned for and all my wildest needs and desires are met in ways I still can't fully find words for. Everything is suddenly happening fast. I have to be very clear and honest in my own process. I have actually lived and explored all of this for years and years in my writings. I wanted this so badly. I was frustrated and hurting because life kept on making me wait for the right man. Years of super slow time. Years of being completely on my own. Never lonely but feeling the intense absence of Him. My heart and body lived as a claimed woman, saying no to all those men that only wanted parts of me. So when He actually arrives and He knows all of my writings,  my inner hopes, my wildest experiences and darkest desires and struggles , it's massive. It's nothing casual,  nonchalant or "easy" about it. It's without compromises or half truths. It's sharp and unapologetically honest and without filter. Yes it's also incredibly sweet, fun and hot. Tons of laughter and exploring the most magical, beautiful,  dirtiest and kinkiest sex I have ever experienced. And it slowly dawns on me how deeply related it is. How the truth in our conversations and how He keeps on asking questions when I'm squirming and feel wildly uncomfortable. How the penetration is real on every freaking level. Deeper into the truth. Deeper into the body, mind and soul. It's terrifying in many ways and I feel exposed and raw. He is never mean or harsh. I always feel His heart and even when I get confused or don't fully understand what's going on, I'm slowly learning that He only wants the truth.The truth and my vulnerability. It's crazy. It's deeply uncomfortable and while some parts of me wants to rebel I also know how I actually asked for this. All of it. The correction. Not getting away with my old fears and unhealthy patterns. To be fully seen and to actually communicate so raw and vulnerable that I'm sure I'm going to die. Spoiler alert,  I don't. I'm slowly becoming more alive. To move closer. To connect deeper. I feel the deep urge and willingness to stripp down and bravely stepping into more honesty.

Yes I feel my own ego. My own laziness. My old patterns of withdrawal and hiding. Yes, the need to slow down and breath a bit on my own is very real and necessary. I still need to feel myself as a whole person. And I know life as I knew it is forever changed. There is no going back. I'm His and I choose Him fully,  even when it's new and slightly scary. It's massive to integrate and adjust to a fully grown man. I do have compassion with myself. It's huge. It's tender. I feel so raw. Broke open. Time is moving so fast and it's been only weeks.

To submit to Him is surrendering to life, even more. It's about becoming more myself, fully and for real. To deeply understand it's all crucial information He actually needs to lead me properly. The humbling experience to admit He is right and let my own ego be exposed. And if I don't agree,  to actually drop deeper into my body and speak from a vulnerable and tender place. It's a huge shift. To speak my truth beyond my wounds, hurt and trauma. To admit when I'm wrong or right for that matter, with out shame or guilt. It's just information. To get closer to each other. To create us. The relationship. We. Together. Connected. To slowly and for real lay down my old patterns of survival and breadcrumbs. My body knows. My mind is catching up. The feeling of true freedom when I'm allowed to kneel for Him. To watch Him in silence. To feel how my mind goes blank. Just my beating heart and sex, love and desire flowing throughout my whole being. Or the deep knowing and wisdom when He commands me to kneel when I'm wildly unregulated and He fuck my face and I'm totally in the moment. The wild understanding how important it actually is to gag, splutter and feel my pussy squirting all over the floor. When He grabs my breasts and sweet pain shoots through me. Or His hands spanks my butt and my whole existence is Him, owning and using my body to His own delight and pleasure. Something deep inside is finally finding peace. I'm put in my place and something is exhaling for the first time in my life. I'm home. Inside myself and in my body. I'm home with Him. Together. He gets it. And the aftercare. The sweetness of sleeping together in bright daylight because we are exhausted and happy. Hormones running high yet harmonious and a regulated nervous system more in sync with the natural and primal bodily wisdom.

My Love. My King. My Dark Lord. Yang to my Yin. So deliciously Human. Male. Brutal and tender. Soft and strong. Stern and emotionally open. Dead serious and a goof ball. Poet and Warrior. Tender Lover and a freaking maniac of a Dom. Sharp as a vip and silly as fuck. It's massive. It's humbling. It's a raw and wild ride. He is actually here. Arrived at the perfect time. I'm ready to let myself recive Him fully and totally. Even when I get shit scared. Even when I want to run away and hide. All of me. My whole waste ocean is welcome and the demand is clear,  to speak and be as fully honest and real as I can be. Holy fuck. Life is deliciously wild. Thank you. I love you.