What Jesus have to do with it...

Started to read "Want" a book filled with different womens fantasies. I remember reading another one ( don't remember the title) years back and the changes is quite remarkable and sad. "Want" is highly self censored. The first book I read was bold, juicy and explicit, "Want" is way more apologetic. And I get it. It isn't this well of free floating fantasies that gives energy and makes you chronically horny. It's a void. A deep longing for something real. To be loved and love. To belong and seen fully. Many of the women feel their fantasies getting in the way of real life. It's an escape from a unsatisfied life. It's lack, not overflow. I kind of get it. When I'm longing for a specific man, not any fantasy would do. I don't want a random stranger or other men I know ( like coworkers and so on) I actually broke down and cried. Because I recognised the fear. Being trapped in a story and not being met. Wanting and needing and making your own heart break because you have built up unrealistic expectations. And of course, projecting a fantasy on a real person. To forget their humanness and then becoming disappointed when you get to know them.

I'm curious if the smartphone has changed how we fantasies. Porn, the instant gratification, the easy access to dompain, the loneliness, lack of human connection, the constant following of people you like and desire. We already live in a artificial fantasy world. So maybe the fantasy in our heads are way more a longing to be brave. To go out in the real world and be touched.

I'm not scared of the political correctness. I have zero shame in being a submissive or wanting to be a deeply feminine woman. I'm a rebel by heart and I totally own myself in that sense. I'm bold in my need for a deeply erotic and highly sexual life. It's not an negotiation, it's a given.. I need a man who is hands on. Who deeply understand that I don't need that much words or thinking processes. I need touch, hugs, penetration, kisses and being regularly ( nearly) crushed by his weight. Touch is always the first step. Then resolving conflicts and differences. I'm an animal body first, then a human being and a woman.

And I believe that is the symptoms I feel in the book "Want" How our natural instincts, our need for being in our bodies ( that women sadly often hate) has become something heady and rational. It's words and thoughts in our head. We are scared to feel below our necks. It's in our mind. What happened to feel our bodies? To feel the sway of the hips? Bare feet in the grass? Butterflies in our wombs and hearts?

I kind of get it. It's always a double edged sword to write when I'm not having regular penetration from a man. I get lost in the words, thinking and processing. I get frustrated and tired. Upset and restless. Because I feel into the not having instead of appreciating what I do have.

So yes, I need help. I need a man. I need more than I can give myself. It's intense to hold it, breath with it and move with it. To hold the paradox of the need and not being needy in a unhealthy way. It's a vulnerable place to be and it's uncomfortable to admit. Desperation is un-sexy and not attractive. We easily despise ourselves and others. I know. And yet, it's real. The raw need of human connection. The raw need for penetration. The raw need from my animal body. The tiredness to always doing the right thing. To always hold myself. To pick myself up and moving on with optimisme.

So yes, I kind of wish I was able to escape or hide in a fantasy world. I'm a good storyteller. But I don't have the capacity anymore to let myself be carried away into such world. The price is too high. I have to build my own real world. To connect whenever I can. Breathing with my wants and needs. To feel deeply how life always provides for me, even when I think it doesn’t. True submission starts here. And it maybe sounds grandiose but I deeply feel into Easter and the story of Jesus. Not as a Christian but as a submissive woman. In his deepest pain in the garden and on the cross, he gives himself over to something bigger. Not my will but yours. I know my Christian upbringing is a huge help. It's even more helpful because I have zero problem with liberating it from the learned dogma. It's archetypes and deep psychology. It's human nature mirroring into the great, old stories. So yes, the sacrifice given freely. The deep trust in life or God. To know spring always follows winter. Death and rebirth.

So yet again I sooth my own ache. I hold my self gently. Not thinking too much. Allow myself to feel everything. To embrace my everyday life. Finding joy and connection whenever possible. To let myself feel the richness of spring. To feel alive even when it hurts.