What have I become?

What have I become?

My sweetest friend

Everyone I know goes away

In the end

And you could have it all

My empire of dirt

I will let you down

I will make you hurt

If I could start again

A million miles away

I would keep myself

I would find a way

( T Reznor)

The detox is real. I have been in romantic relationships from I was 18 and non stop and even multiple once while married. I had this brief relationship for 5 months and now, for the first time I truly feel into the detox. I'm on my own. For real. I feel almost panicking.

My teenagers are challenging me and I'm reminded of them belonging to me, but my story,  my life, my wounds and trauma are all mine to own. I can't let it stand in the way of my kids evolution to becoming adults. It feels kind of isolating. To truly hold myself fully in this. To trust life when usually that means leaning on a man. I do cultivate friendship and the women in my life. I'm blessed with some incredible good people. But it isn't the same. Or here is the true detox. To be intimate and vulnerable with friends and to hold myself in the aftermath. I guess in many ways my romantic relationships should have been like this too. To own myself and to share honest with less fear of letting the other person down or over give or people please because I was so afraid to hurt or to be left alone.

But it feels like a panic attack. I feel isolated. I feel lost. I feel how my depression is sneaking back. I don't want to live or what's the point anyway?

It's detox. This is me, my nervous system,  my hormones, me and myself on my own. Finally. I have to own myself more fully. I have to dare to continue to stay open. Cultivating friendship and sisterhood. To relax and breathe into this part of my life. To embrace this unknown journey on my own and a different and new way of togetherness. What is emerging now? This raw and tender new me. Hyper aware. Paying attention to the subtle layers of my own conditions and wounds. This fascinating journey in daring to go deeper and beyond my own knowledge.