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To yet again walk away from love. Raw. Broke open.

Yet again I stand at the crossroad of choosing love and standing true to myself. I met a man and he is such a wonderful human, amazing lover, masculine and present. And.. He can't honour my need to use condoms. At 42 I'm not going back on birth control or doing anything to my body that can be harmful. We talked about it and he urged me to find a way. As I see it, he is the one that have to choose. Condom, vasectomy or leaving me. I know already that he is good at controlling himself, semen restrictions and I do track my cycle. It's all good. And I still have hormone imbalance after the c vaccine, so I can't rely on my cycle completely.

Phew. Life. Here he is. A healthy, gorgeous, curious, open minded, grounded, super delicious Man. I want him. I desire him. And for a minute my body just let go. My heart whispered, trust him. My body screamd in pure ecstasy. I don't care of the consequences . Just let me have him in all ways possible.

But my sister. My trusted sister woke me up. This isn't right. She looks at me. Do you really want to use the time in between your meetings being stressed and worried about being pregnant? Do you really want to face the decision of getting an abortion? You have always been super clear that a man respecting and honour your need to wear a condom says something about his core values and respecting you as a human being. Do you truly want to compromise yourself? Like really?

She is right. I can only soften into it. Open myself. I'm crying. I know I'm going to tell this gorgeous, delicious man.. Take me as I need or leave me in peace. To honour myself and speaking my truth. To gently letting go and trust life. So yes, I'll keep you updated how the conversation goes. I know I can't meet him again because I'm not able to say no. And he have to decide for real and not just sweet talking me.

In the end it's no one to blame. It's all on me. My responsibility. Radical responsibility. Every step of the way. I have to honour my body and keeping myself out of harms way.

Sweet, vulnerable life. I'm so humble and grateful for the rawness, the naked, tender truth. Split open. On my knees. My tender heart. My raw being. I'm safe. Seen. Held. Loved.

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