It started as a daily writing. Every damn day I was home, I wrote on my old Mac. Then my visions, improper fantasies and stories came to me. (It`s all in my book) I wrote it all down, even when my mind was terrified and my inner censorship was strong. God damn how hard it is to just write, I wasn’t hurting anybody, it was just so new to me to be completely myself and to take my own mind, thoughts and feelings seriously. And then I started up my Instagram account. It was super private and I had like two followers for a long time. Slowly I started to get some followers and a lot happened in my life and the c pandemic happened in the world and then my account got deleted at 1800 followers. I lost my lover for 8 years and the Man that truly lead me down the newfound path of submission and devotion came and went in less than 2 years. So I was stripped. And yes, in it all, my husband wanted a divorce. So here I was. Stripped. It felt that everything was taken away from me. What now? I started my new account on Instagram and this time around I didn’t started from scratch. I`m amazed how this time around my account drew in so many good people and I feel I`m actually building a wonderful community with people that actually cares about me. But yes, I`m constantly fearing that I`m going to get deleted again, so the need to be both creative and find my safe space lead me to slowly create my own website. So here I am, with a lot a work in front of me, I know I`m going to miss the spontaneous vibe that Instagram provides, and how writing a blog take more time and effort. I have to go back writing on my old Mac and maybe it`s a sweet full circle in that. I`m back to more text again, and the opportunity to dive deeper into my own mind, experiences and life. Yes, I`m curious in it all, how many would follow me on my site and does it matter? I started this as a very private journey and it`s so easy be addicted to be seen, heard and loved by the Internet. So I`m back doing everything for my owns sake and let it unfolds from there.
I guess these first blog posts are somehow a slowly attempt to find out how to use the site, blog and to get myself more comfortable in this new format. My life is rapidly changing so it isn`t easy to say what`s going to come here. BDSM is some of what I want to explore but life gives me so many twist and turns, so I have to go back to myself and what I can explore by myself and to still be open to receive what life is providing me with. What I do know, I want to continue my worship for the healthy masculine in the world. To pay attention to how the healthy masculine is showing up in the world, in different men, in the subtle ways that I so easily ignore. How to stay open and soft in a world like ours? How to kneel on daily basis for God or the healthy masculine? To continue my practice that started with Him, but I knew even then, it`s bigger than Him and what we shared. This is a holy path. We know about the hurt and pain in the world, we know how men are contributing to it, and have done that for ages. So how to slowly walk down the path of paying attention to what men does right? How they are healing, doing hard shit, how they protect and provides in a healthy and constructive way? I just know that this path chose me. I`m going to explore this as real and hones as possible. And yet again, I have no clue where this takes me or what happens down this path when I`m staying true.
So here I am. On a brink of yet another beginning and deep transformation. To walk into autumn with this project and a newfound freedom to explore even deeper, without censorship and to let it all unfold as it should. Thank you for being here. I love you!
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