To remember

I rarely remember my dreams but when I do they seems to linger and cling to me for a long time. It's about the mood and it can stick for days. I dreamt the world was on fire. I recognised it an I remember even in my dream that  was surprised how little it affected my emotions. It just passed and I continued to sleep. In the early morning hours I dreamed about a baby girl. I carried her on my back ( I never carried my own kids like this) I remember it was important to me if she was awake or asleep. I could almost feel how my neck was bending. It was a urgency to leave the place. I was willing to walk if I had to. Then I entered a class room with two teenager girls. I held the sleeping baby in my arms. She was unnaturally still and pale. The state of urgency was still there and I woke up.

It's usually quite innocent dreams that leaves me with dread. I even hesitated to write it down. It's been years and years without much remembrance of my dreams. It seems like a healthy sign when I do remember. I finally have the time to wake up more slowly. To let the mind eases into awaken state.

But yes, I'm curious about the state of horror and terror without any nightmare. Still something working through my system. One particular dream I'll never forget. A gang of children protecting a house. Nothing happened. Just the eerie feeling of waiting and dread. Like a gerilja war.

Maybe the awakened Eros in me also awakens the hidden horrors in me? I read somewhere that the erotic makes you more alive. In every direction. In general I feel the sensation of expanding. Like blood returning to my limbs. I care less and less about my appearance. My body is changing and if a man doesn't find it attractive in this shape, move on. With respect. I feel wildly alive. My weight gain,  my stretch marks, my wrinkles and my newfound ease with relaxed hips and stronger body in general, it's all me. In the best way possible. I feel myself from the inside. Alive. Strong. Pain-free. Liberated.

Yes beauty is important to me. And what is beauty? It's in the eye of the beholder. To be authenticly in touch with my true being. To be full of myself and my feminine radiance. To move with a body that feels good and juicy. Relaxed. Breathing. Soft. Real. Raw. To let myself be.

I still feel my dream clinging to me. It was actually good to write it all down and let everything else that needed to come, be written too. Full expression.

I also feel into the void. The need for co regulations. For oxytocin. Beyond words. To just be and breath with another human. I'm going back to the kids today. Back to mommy mode. It eases my own yearing for a bit. To be busy feeling into their world, moods, emotions and pratical stuff. Sometimes I hesitate both ways. I drag myself back to them and feel liberated throughout the week. It's such a joy and a wild ride being their mother. Then I slightly dread the week alone. Then I embrace my erotic and fuck myself every day. And so it goes. The ebb and flow of life. Time together. Time alone. Work and being busy. Rest and slow time.

I actually had to go back and edit this post. I was outside gathering nettle and dandelion leafs for my lunch and it hits me like a brick wall. The extreme unsafely feeling of waiting. The unknown. What is going to happen? Life? Death? I actually had this with my mother. My whole childhood. Never knowing when she was gone. For good. She died when I was 16. 16 years later, I was trapped, again. Waiting. The endless unknown. Sitting by my sons hospital bed. Death? Life? Crippling illness? Good enough? The great, painful unknown. For years and years. In limbo. Not dead but not fully living. Of course I dread the waiting. Of course the unknown feels like terror and horror. Of course I want a hands on, sure, visible love. The ghost of not knowing it's still haunting me. Even in my dreams. The constant alertness. The constant being ready to act. The constant stress to navigate impossible waters.

And yes, my hormones are playing wildly. The fear of going insane. To witness people around me going into nervous breakdowns, mental breakdowns and depression. Breathe baby girl. Exhale. Allow yourself to feel everything but not get swallowed completely. You are safe. Right now the kids are all right. Right now we all breathe. No one is dying or acute needs my ability to hold. Hold yourself tenderly. Let the hormones eases. Soon you'll bleed and life becoming more harmonious again. Deep exhale