To let it end

My experiences with men so far. And it's important for me to deeply understand how disregulated I was, for years. I'm not blaming anyone and I have compassion for myself in this. But my experiences so far; men love and adore my light. My easy going nature, my smile and laughter. They love deep conversations with me and they feel safe to open up. They are attracted to my dark eros, my wild and liberated approach to pleasure and hot sex. They love my sexual appetite.

Then... I become too much. Too intense. Too sexual. Abnorm. Not normal. Hard to please. They felt not good enough. Not strong enough. Exhausted. Trapped. So came the need for shaming me. Telling me I was wrong for craving hot sex. In their own fear for their own darkness, violence and abuse, they told me I was the crazy one craving their dark, primal masculinity. Not knowing the difference between healthy and unhealthy "violence "

I know deep in my bones I have to let it all go. I'm more regulated, more at peace and owning myself in ways I haven't before. And, I know the signs. Never ever am I tolerating any of it anymore. If you want me, you have to face yourself and your own fear and hang ups. Relationship with me is confronting. Because of my deep devotion. Because of my need to be lead and contained. To love me as a whole human being. To embrace and guide my submissive nature. To understand my enormous strength and flexibility. To deeply understand I can live without you, but we both choose each other consciously , every damn day.

It's spring. It's time to let the pain go. I do so deeply feel the unhealed boy inside of my previous relationships. As a mother it's way easier to let go and forgive. I know how deep my connection is with my own son and I know it's rare. The hurt, little boy lives so real inside so many men. It's not an excuse but I understand it. So yes, take a deep look at your inner boy. He is there and he needs you.

It's spring and I embrace new beginnings. Let the sun melt me. To open my body and mind again. To softly ask for a good man. As a woman, my main priority is to slow down. To be at peace. To move in my eros and pleasure. To deeply feel how life want to pour everything good into me. I'm done chasing. I'm clear on being available. I'm clear on my invitations. I'm soft and receptive. I'm leaning back and trust the man to take the first step. It's been a long journey for me, to finally being able to live from my feminine nature. For so long I overextended myself. Fear and anxiety were all time high. I'm a doer. I get shit done in every area in my life. Like, hard core ability to do whatever it's needed. I don't want that anymore in romantic relationship. I'm bold and brave in love. I don't let fear stop me. But I'm done playing on your field. The ball is in your corner. If you want me, come and get me. So yes, it's endings and new beginnings. Yet again, deep exhale.