To feel everything deeply

I haven't written for a long time and I know it's ebbs and flow in this too. Usually the need to express and finding words are when life is complicated or hard. I have kind of let go of people that makes me feel like that. Oh but people doesn't make you feel, it's you and your own mirroring. Yes...and, I'm very well done being around people or allowing people who demand me to play small, or behaving less. Of course relationship needs comprises and paying attention. To be sensitive and sensible. But I have practiced that so much. I don't want to be an ass, a selfish ego maniac or speaking my boundaries loud either. I see it all the time. How people who's lack of self worth and poor boundaries suddenly get super weird and demands the world to play after their own rules. It's understandable but it isn't very elegant. Anyway, we are all human, trying our best to navigate life in a constructive way. For me writing is my way to return home to myself. To explore my own depths. Finding my language and processing whatever is going on.

Yes, yet again I write because of Him. Yet again that man moves me. It's been more than a year since it was over and still He moves me. It's less stressful. It's calmer. Less intense. I can forgive myself. I can see how He did me wrong and I can see and feel He was the strong medicine I needed. It's a big yes.... AND. It's to deeply understanding that He abused His power ( He is human after all) I allowed it to happen. I'm also human. It's to hold the complexity of it all. To feel the anger, the grief and the love and acceptance. To yet again lean into the bigger picture. To let earth hold me. To connect back to friends and nature. To hold the paradoxes. The complexity of life.

I feel the freedom and the responsibility of this time. It's just me. I can choose what kind of person I want to be. What kind of people I want into my life. What kind of men that have access to me and my body. To recreate myself completely. To stay both firm and soft. To speak my truth and listen in to people around me. I'm free. It's this wonderful space and time to slow down even more and listen deeply to myself. And let life surprise me. Let life support me. To allow the richness, juiceness and erotic in every aspect of my world.

It's me. On my own. In deep and real connection to life. What now? What's next? This crazy path of submission. This beautiful path of being a feminine woman. The ultimate time to cultivate my own personal life and world. After 20 years in relationship and 8 years parallel relationship, as a mother to a chronically ill child.. I lost so much of me. So many things had to be on hold. But now, it's a new spring. It's a new life. Now it's truly the time to pay attention to myself and what life wants of me.