The ugly

I'm down a rabbit hole again and some parts of me are so tired. Sick and tired of holding it together. To be positive, to be grateful, to be constructive and working things out. I don't feel for giving 100% anymore. Or maybe it's adjusting from always being the overachiever and giving more than I can. To always be in over stretch, over giving, losing myself in meeting others needs. I have to say it isn't graceful. It's ugly and messy. The real downside are my hormones are destroyed When I allow myself to be more angry, to don't care or sweat the small stuff, when I speak up for myself and setting clear boundaries or voicing my concerns and hurt. It doesn’t feel good. My body and especially my gut is acting up. It's affecting my sleep and all over energy. I feel depressed and drained. And I get confused. How can standing up for myself, allowing myself more nuances, not just being smiley and easy, being so hard on my health? Is it a rewriting of my whole being? Does it feel unfamiliar and dangerous? Does my body need time to adjust and understand I'm still safe even when I'm difficult and not easy to like? It does take capacity to be seen as loud and difficult. It's confronting. I guess especially my nervous system has been hard wired to be liked and cared for because I'm easy and gentle.

Maybe it's age. In my 45 year, maybe I'm tired of playing nice and not letting the world see the whole me. Even when it's scary and uncomfortable. It's also tender and exhausting. To stand up for myself. To hold and express my discomfort. It seems easier to fall back and conform.

I don't know how to navigate it. It's a curse and a blessing to feel my hormones so easily. It's easy to feel pleasure when I listen to music, dancing and feeling my body. And the downside when my hormones crashes when I'm complaining, feel anger and resentment. My whole body feels sick and ill. How can I allow all of me when I feel so awful in it? I really don't know.

I'm so tired of handling life of my own. Yes, I know I have to be careful to believe that a man is going to fix everything. He isn't. I know that. A man will make my life way more complex and even complicated. But touch, skin contact, sex and human connection also eases so much. It's like a super power. To recharge together. To co regulate. That is all very real. I'm tired of not having that. I need more sex. I need a body that needs my body. I want a full body yes from both of us. To be the powerhouse and resting place in a crazy world. I'm so done striving and struggling on my own. Life has to meet me in my very real need. Life has to give.

Do I feel like a victim? Sometimes I do. Do I feel self pity? Yes I do. It's a time in my life when it finally is about me. The whole spectrum of me. The good, bad and definitely the ugly. The not pretty or sexy. Maybe it's the only way to prepare in my journey to find a good medicine man. To know every ugly, nasty, unlovable part of myself. To feel everything. To let it fuck me up majorly. To let my body repulse and rejecte. To fall apart for real. To let every dark secret be felt and approved. Maybe it isn't depression. Maybe I finally have the capacity and space to unravel.

But yes. I'm worried. I'm tired of holding myself in my mess. I do need help. I feel embarrassed of my lack of grace. I feel dirty and not in a sexy way. I feel horrible and unclean. I feel unworthy and unlovable. Why should I continue this life? I seem unimportant to everyone around me. When I'm not happy and easy, I get invisible. I already seem dead to the world. Why bother to stay? The lack of support, the lack of positive and uplifting things in my life. How I'm taken for granted. I don't feel my own magic anymore. And I know it was so much a strategy to survive. To see the magic in the sunrise. To feel awe and wonder on a regular basis. Being joyous and grateful for those small things in everyday life. And the sad truth. It was all survival. It was all coping mechanisms to live through the day or hour or minute.

It's fucking hard work to actively stepping out of survival. To no longer manipulated my own mood and hormones. To not push down the negative and complicated. To allow it to rise, to be felt, seen and understood. Or at least let it be loved. I'm not sure if I ever will understand my ugly. Maybe it just want to be loved.

It's hard to not just shake this off and having a plan how to feel better. I do want to feel better but I don't want to at the same time. Life hasn't given me much when I held it all together. I don't owe life anything. And yes life doesn't own me anything and that feels wildly unfair. So why should I give my all? My magic and smile? My grace and softness? Why? Life doesn't give me that in return. So fuck you life. You got me. You made me ugly, hard and resentful. I pratice all the good things for years and years and I ended up with nothing. No fucking thing.

So yes, I know. I have to be radical selfish. To be soft, sexy, tender and delicious just for me and myself. To protect my body, mind, hormones and nervous system from the world. To actively dispoint people who aren't there for me. To have strict, clear boundaries at work especially and in life generally. I'm so done giving anything away from free. Withdrawing my energy, my efforts, my capacity and my whole being. The world will not get the best of me. I'm not doing anything anymore for anyone. It's for me, myself and only me. Radically and gloriously selfish. Fuck you!