The terrifying truth of love

My body is acting out. It doesn't know how to adjust to be loved correctly. Is it a right or wrong way to be loved? Yes there is. For years I chose to be with deeply exhausted men and polyamorous men. They didn't had the capacity to love me correctly. Meaning,  they didn't have the capacity to be there for me, to protect my heart and body. They loved me but they kind of where all over the place at the same time. My story of being too much was constantly repeated as true. My dad was deeply exhausted by life, he wasn't polyamorous but I'm the youngest of 8 siblings and my mother chronically ill. So yes it's old patterns.

So now I want to hide. Run away. I kind of felt like a kid sitting in front of my favourite cake,  crying because I don't want to eat it. Meaning here he is. This wonderful man that wants to love me correctly. He have the capacity,  time and desire to be there and he wants to share our love with the world. He is so proud of me. He feels I'm adding value and joy to his life. He want to build a future with me and explore the world. And my body collapses. I'm terrified. I can't hide anymore. My relationship to my siblings,  to my dad and my patterns of hiding in multiple relationships. He demands just by being himself to see me fully. I wanted to enter this by being the cool girl. To be easy. Not needing him. I was so out of control in relating to Him. I was a mess. So in my attempt to survive and navigate life again I held so tight on controlling this new situation. Then my body fuckes it up beautifully. Let go baby girl. I'm not allowing you to hide anymore. No more control. No more hiding. Skinned alive. All my old symptoms of fear are flooding my body. It's painful. It's confusing. It's vulnerable. Who knew that being loved right could expose so much fear? This is the healthy masculine taking me deeper. I don't know if he is my for life love or just a wonderful lesson of right now,  in the moment love. I'm trembling. I doesn't want to be so fragile in this. I want to be put together. Healthy. Harmonious. Easy. Sexy.

The reality is my body in pain. Bleeding. My bladder and my whole lower body and back feeling the pressure and pain. Life dripping out of me. I never bleed betwe my periods. Never. My bladder has been healthy for years. I rarely have back pain. I'm a mess. I know it's important lesson. I know. And still I'm falling apart. I want to hide. I write to him because he asks hard questions. He demands the truth. He want to understand. He penetrate me on such deep levels. And I hesitate. When is he going to withdraw? When I'm again too much? I'm not capable to lie anymore. The truth is squeeze out of me. He demands it. The truth and nothing else than the truth baby.

To be loved correctly is fuck terrifying and I'm all here for it. Holy shit. What a wild ride this life is. I wish him to leave. To let me alone. He is this delicious cake I want badly and I'm crying because I have to eat it. Or something like that. I don't know anymore. I'm losing control and something in me rejoice and most of me is terrified.

Thank you for always taking me deeper. Thank you. I love you.