The death of me

I'm mourning and I'm not sure I'm mourning him or the death of me. I still feel angry. It feels like life is unfair. Why canI have this? At least the spark, the kind of guilty pleasure that keeps me going through my day. Why do everything and everyone seems gone? I guess it's yet another layer of survival. All the hooks, the breadcrumbs, dopamine hits by knowing he is watching. If I’m serious on moving from survival to thriving. From almost to be fully chosen, I have to let go of everything that keeps me stuck. But now I'm entering the void without any safety net and it feels like survival. Life and Death. What now? What to be or do when everything seems pitch black. It feels like a bad trick. It feels like depression. It feels like loneliness. It feels like isolation. It feels like falling into a black void of nothingness. What the fuck?!

I get the metafors. The wave and the arrow has to retreat before it pulls forward. The space has to be empty to be filled. I know. It's been a minute. I know. I know I'm being impatient. I know I'm restless. I know I'm tired of the slow pace. I want him and I want him now. And I know I'm picky. I know way more about myself and what I actually need. So no, not any man can do. I'm not up for easy, casual and go with the flow ( in that sense). I want to be chosen by a man that my body deeply recognise. I know I can trust my body in this. I have arrived authenticly in my own body. It has to feel right in my bones. It's deeper than lust, passion and desire or it's the deep, real desire of my animal body. And animals don't trust easily. They can smell if something is off. And they can smell if it's right. They know when they are safe. I have arrived there. I deeply trust her. My animal. He is trusting his animal . We both know we are humans . So yes, it's a lot pratical and emotional stuff too. The world is complex. Relationships are complex. And our guiding star is our nervous system and bodies. I want a man who lives that.

Meaning, he take care of his body and mind. He knows how his emotions are connected to his body, hormones and people around him. He lives a healthy and fulfilling life. And he knows how I can add to his happiness and growth. He choses me freely and consciously. Because he wants more. More complexity. More growth. Deeper connection. Deeper, rawer sex. Real conventions. Uncomfortable truths. Bliss beyond imagination. Triggers, conflicts and everything in between. He is a fuck yes to it all and he choses fully.

Feeling into the void. Of leaving the shore and not knowing if I’m going to drown or find the tools to navigate this strange time in my life. Liberating myself from so much old crap. Stripped. Tender. Raw. And to hold the sensations of my ache and deep longing. To hold it, move with it. To be patient. To trust the process. To trust the darkness and rocky seas. I have to learn to breathe again because it's exhausting to be stripped for every survival mechanism and life doesn't give me any visible support. ( it's there. But it doesn't feel like it) It's rough love. Like pushing the bird out of the nest. Fly. But... Fly! Like the seed and the never ending winter. Grow. But...Grow. The ice cold wind in spring. It seems impossible. Until it isn't. I know. I'm stretched thin. I need people. I need touch. I need love. I feel like a mess. Grow! But... Fly! But... Yes. I know. I'm tired. Bloom!

The command is clear. Bloom. But... Bloom!

So yes, the death of me and everything I thought I was. Everything has to go. Any strategies, concepts, teaching, patterns, old, outdated behaviours. I don't know how to survive it. It's a trustfall. I have to believe I'm still worthy of this life. Or what's beyond this ego death. Deep breath.