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The Dark Path of Loving Him

2020-2022 was about receiving His seed. I was so scared,  excited and on a high. God I wanted Him so badly. This powerful,  strong and impactful man. He stepped into my life. I was trembling in fear,  I was deeply flattered. I couldn't believe my luck. I felt small and almighty,  lost and found. He... He wanted me to be a part of His reality. Oh what a wild rollercoaster. A hectic few years. I never felt I was enough or often I was too much. I bent every way possible. I remember the fear and the pain when He yet again judged me, called me out. I got stressed. Lost. I could never be or do right.  I was constant on a high or on a low. He was the puppet master. But He was my Master,  My Sir. I belonged. To Him. I desperately wanted to be His good girl. To serve. To ease His demons and be His soft place. My heart, womb and body wanted to serve Him in every way possible.

I couldn't get it right. I was starved. This constant loop of miscommunication. I couldn't win. But I wanted Him so desperately.

I understand now. He never had the capacity to connect. I know I of course have my own wounds and shadows that sabotaged too. But He was the one supposed to educate me. To guide me. To help me and support me in my confusion and pain. I was throw into a reality I didn't knew nothing about.

So when I told Him after months of silence that He destroyed me, yet again no capacity to connect and to be curious about my strong wording. He only see me as non relacional. As lashing out, blaming Him. This time I felt sorry for us both. We are worlds apart on so many levels. What He is telling me about myself is a direct reflection of Himself. I'm quite sure He knows it.

In the end, I don't want to make up stories or speculate about Him. Or to make Him the vilan of the story or my life. His life is a mess. I hurt Him and He hurt me. I was naive. And I have to be super clear to actually learn my lesson and not seeing this as not worthy or less. I feel kind of stupid because relationships and connection is my thing. His too. Ironic isn't?

My deepest yearing is to one day to look at Him with only deep love and respect. To let Him feel how He helped me to understand my darkest dark. He is confused and hurt now. And a very small part of it is about me. That I know for certain. And that's my pattern and my responsibility. I have chosen unavailable and exhausted men without the capacity to actually connect with me because of their past and often messy lifes before me. I love Him dearly. Still a bit desperately. It feels like flares and flashes. So maybe it's more about letting Him be and focus on what I can be. I can only love softer. Deeper. Myself. Him. Life. I have no need to defend or explain myself. Not like this. If He truly want to connect I need more than He can give me at the moment. We haven't the foundation that's actually needed in any human relationship. It isn't there and it's sad. And it's waste of energy to hold on to something that is more an illusion than real life. Gently I let Him go. Untangle my heart. Open my hands and my being. My Dark Love and my Dark Lord. You are so deeply troubled and lost inside of your mind. I hope she sooths you. I hope your brother have your back. I hope life will be good to you. You are so deeply deeply loved by many. I so want to serve your Dark but I can't. Not like this. It is destructive and hard. I can live with not easy and doing hard work. I'm not afraid of that. But you turn to silence. You turn away. You haven't the capacity to connect in a way so I understand what you want and need from me. You are my tragic love story. The dangerous man to my adventures feminine nature. Goodbye my Love. In all what you are accusing me of, I hope you still feel the love I actually have for you. And yes maybe one day we actually can understand together this strange dynamic, this dark pull towards each other. I wanted all of you. You could only give me breadcrumbs. I have to go, my love. To where I'm celebrated. To where I'm loved. Where it's capacity,  willingness and space. I'm not in love with my Transylvanian Wolf. I'm slowly letting myself be loved. I'm slowly opening myself up to being around a man that chooses me even when I'm not at my best. When I fuck up. When my body is off. I let his patient with me heal my wounds. He knows about you and why I need slow and hands on. He chooses me and I have to let go, to expand

.I'm worthy of love. I'm worthy of effort. I'm worthy of time. Still, no blame. I know my patterns. Now I take radical responsibility and choose to let you go and into the arms of the man that understand how I need to be loved.

I love you. Thank you for existing. You are a true gift.

2023 is about touch and nervous system regulation. Real life and feasting on pleasure and human connections. Amen

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