He isn't predictable. He is that kind of person being able to sleep early and if tired enough the whole day goes by without a word. His work is heavy body work so it's not surprising that his body just shuts down but yes, I'm learning. I'm learning to do my own thing, never cancel my own plans, continuing to have the main focus on myself, being full on my own. Eating good food, fuck myself silly, meeting friends, enjoying my days on my own with slow time, social media, walking in the sun and so on. I told him I need slow and life definitely gives me slow. More than I thought I needed. And he also take responsibility for being well and with enough energy to actually be with me when we are together. So I maybe get less time but the quality is superb and I'm learning how important quality actually is. In it all it's about regulation. To regulate my nervous system on my own and regulate together when we are together. To appreciate and be present with the time that's available and not nagging or complaining about the delays.
It's new for me. I always felt that I never had enough time with my former long term lover. For 8 years I felt constantly hungry for more time. And I know now, how much he hide from me. He was so wounded and avoident. But this new love is anything but. So I know his presence is actually so intense that I appreciate to take him in slowly and not too much each time.
I'm learning so much in loving the Transylvanian Wolf. He is loud, double edged, straight forward, never shying away from hard and difficult conversations, passionate, never ending curious about everything, tons of ideas, communicative as fuck, childish yet extremely masculine, grown up and responsible. He is tender and kind, dark and brutal. Light and spiritual. Dark and primale. I can't figure him out. He is ever changing and it feels good. But yes my main focus is to regulate on my own and staying true to myself. Holding my own center and pouring into myself as never before. All the way back home. Always. And when he is available I can lean back and enjoy. To let myself overflow and embrace what is. He makes me brave. I can't hide behind the nice girl or the people pleaser. He wants more of me. All of me. Every shade of shame, guilt and wound. I'm naked, stripped and bare. Exposed. I'm learning so much. This beautiful life.
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