Take care, baby girl

The need to express and the need to be visible. And the deepfelt tiredness and exhaustion of being fed up by social media and the virtual world. I feel sad, heavy and I keep asking myself maybe I finally have the capacity to just be with it? How many times haven't I forced myself to feel good or do anything and everything to change my mood? Yesterday going to work was such distraction but the sense of heaviness or melancholy didn't wanished. It stayed. I'm so used to push or find ways to feel intense emotions, I crave pleasure and I reach out to my followers or people in real life. Nothing wrong about it, really but it landed in me today. Maybe I can allow myself to be. To slow down even more. I feel blue, almost depressed and I feel how I'm trembling in the fear of the darkness that seems to pour out and in inside of me. How to be with myself and to observe how much I'm doing to run away from those uncomfortable feelings. It's grief. I see and feel it everywhere. How not only me but everyone are just trying to outrun the deepfelt feeling of grief. So yes I'm using this slow days of returning into the darkness to allow myself to embrace my sadness, my grief , to feel into the loss of everything I thought I knew as my reality. Yes I'm scared for my suicidal tendency but I know deep down it isn't about the actual need to die. It's the many deaths of me. All the parts that I had to and still have to let go of. All those parts of me that hasn't been met. Every time I wanted to connect and I was pushed away. All the things I have done to be loved and appreciated while not staying true to myself. The heart ripping feeling of just wanted to be seen and loved as myself. All of it and I don't know for real if I can be with it all by myself. I feel overwhelmed. I feel isolated. I feel the need to expand. How to learn how to be with myself in all of this. I'm less visible on Instagram and maybe that's a contraction too. To not expose my thoughts, feelings and experiences, just the visuals. I don't need to just seen as a body, I love being seen for my writings too. So maybe that is a part of the grief too. To move away from a know space, to sink back to my own space as it used to. Private. For those few that knew me. Maybe it's a wave, back and forth. To be visible and withdrawn for a while. To detox the need to be seen by others. To hold myself. To write and move inwards. A part of me want to delete the account and other parts of me are dead scared of losing it.

So yes and no and everything in between. Everything is in motion. I feel how my mind is spinning. And the clarity that I can just relax. Planning, trying to figure anything out it's just waist of time. To move back home to myself. To take myself and my inner world seriously. Back to basics. To give thanks every day. To get more sleep. Being present with the kids. Go to work and do the best I can do. Exercise and move, to read a good book and watch my favourite show. And so on. To take all my powers home. To be. Breathe. To allow myself to take care of me