Surrender. Submit. Obey

This never ending loop of my body reacting in ways I can't control. Suddenly I'm bleeding quite heavily just 16 days after my last period. It's already exhausting with my iron deficiency and now I'm bleeding even more. Deep breath. My knee pain is coming and going and the combination leaves me broke open to so much bodly sensations,  pain and confusion. I guess life really want me on my knees in every way possible. I have to step more into having more time with the kids again because my ex is exhausted too after our oldest have been seriously ill for 3 weeks.

And I had this new love visiting this weekend and he was massively tired too. January is brutal. I spent most of my weekend alone and now I feel emotionally unstable and unsure of everything. I hate being needy. I feel how I'm slowly withdrawing. Closing my body. And my inside screams, stay open, stay soft. I'm tensing up. I don't want to go down that path again. To become weak and needy in the connection with a man. We had a long conversation about his past and he has massively tension in his nervous system and with me he is relaxing deeply. And he has his anxiety patterns from childhood about not being good enough. So in that context he also shared that I seems a bit demanding in my outspoken wording about being turned on and horny like almost all the time. I felt it and he was clear he didn't felt it as a demad for him per but yes, so I'm feeling into that,  yet again. Being big,  being the ocean and observing the exhausted surfer. I'm owning my bigness way more but it makes me vulnerable to yet again have to face it. Sex, pleasure and the erotic, the absence of it has been normalised in ways that makes it hard to explain that it's not normal to lack vitality and juice. It's not normal. A relaxed,  healthy body and mind wants and need the pleasure and connection to itself and the person you love. I'm owning it and I refuse to play it small or adjusting to the sick norm. And no I'm not talking just about fucking. When I read the Queen code by Alison Armstrong I cried. Her view on sex is deeply resonating. She says straight out,  sex is way too important to just rely on desire or lack of desire/want. Sex and a thriving intimate bodly relationship is crucial in what it's providing of deep connection on every level,  regulations of nervous systems and hormones, stress relief,  and all over health benefits in touch and connection.

So it isn't just me. And as I told him, this is also me being honest. He is free to join or not. I'm not demanding him to do anything but I have to stay true towards myself. Radically. I'm completely honest,  I'm the ocean. I'm not "selling myself " as a puddle or a glass of water. My water is big and I'm capable to navigate that on my own and I have also lived with the confusion in being denied to be myself. So yes, my body is slowing down,  I haven't worked full time  in a while, I do need rest and I do need time on my own. And yes I deeply understand his need for rest, sleep and relaxation. I do. And I feel myself watering down myself. My old patterns of people pleasing. Hiding. The confusion in my body. My mind over thinking. I refuse to go down that path again. Deep breath. Regulate. Slowing down. Stay and feel the tension. Softing in what it. Can I just stay and ask for guidance. To open wider to my old wounds. With deep compassion towards myself and him. Not suppressing. Just take my time and feel the old hurt, shame and old stories. And yes my hormones always leads me deeper. I have bled twice with him in 14 days and I know that my hormones makes me fragile and emotional as fuck. They are powerful teachers. It's impossible to hide. They are confronting me with my unheald wounds and shadows.

So my duty is actually to soften and soften and ask for help and support. I'm overwhelmed. I get more and more on my calendar and I feel dysregulated and confused. Fragile. Alone. Lost in the darkness of my own mind. Tired. How to move with everything. How to stay honest without blaming myself or others. How to trust the process and life even deeper. I'm so stripped. Again. And as usual I never truly know if it's just me and my stuff,  what is his and his wounds and energy? That's isn't clear to yet and also a path I don't want to walk down again. I can support him but his wounds is his responsibility. That's why I write,  to find more clearity on my own issues and opening myself again and again to my inner knowing. My deep felt oracle. She knows my dirt and hurt. She isn't confused by a man or the surroundings. So deep breath. Back home baby girl. Deep breath and listen with an open being,  stay gentle,  stay soft, don't let your mind feed you lies and old hurt. Regulate. Back home. Kneel down. Ask for clear direction, clear , clean light to my dark. The Healthy Masculine is always leading me deeper. I can trust him. God. So I give up my own will, all the ways I try to control,  on every level, I give up my way and my fearful reaction of not understanding what's going on. What's coming through the hormonal confusion? What's being birthed through me in this state? I'm slowly been stripped for control. I can only trust the ground beneath me. Heaven above me. The never ending greyness of January. Back to vulnerable asking for support and help in every small step of this journey. The feminine path is no joke. Life in a surrender state takes courage. Thank you. I love you