Surrender

The unwinding, the shredding. To step out of survival is surprisingly difficult process. To suddenly feel like a tender mess, all over again. Because I can't compensate. I can't over reach. I can't over function anymore. So starting up on my iron supplement again ( my levels are still dangerously low) I'm thrown into a massive digestive loop, again. With bloating and pain. I don't have the capacity to it but I don't have any choice. My iron levels are crucial for my health. So yet again I have to pause everything else. I have to let people down. Canceling meetings and things I wanted to do. Telling my boss at work about my knee pain, telling my doctor about my health and my therapist is calling me in for more conversations than before. Even my ex had to be told. And so far, they all are kind and compassionate. I'm breathing into it all. To allow myself to be seen. To not carry my pain on my own. To get the help and support I actually need. And my world is getting small again. Som parts of me freaks out. I wish I had the capacity to finally explore. To travel. To find a new job. Meeting people near and far. My world is small again and I have to remember to breath. It's claustrophobic. It's confronting. It's scary. I'm fed up. It feels like defeat.

Phew. Sweet life. This clearing and stepping out of survival takes everything I got. I feel my nervous system loning for help. To rest and co regulations. My body, skin and hormones longing for touch and pleasure from a man I feel safe and seen by. I'm so tired of doing life on my own. I feel crushed. How can I move forward when everything feels like a setback?

I guess I truly have to tap into my submissive. She who trust life deeply. She who surrender to what is. To express everything honest and vulnerable. To surrender for real. To feel held when everything seems to fall apart. To see and feel the support. To understand deeply the mystery of letting go. No brain. No mind. No thoughts. Pure, raw surrender to what is. To the body. The grief. The mess.

The thing is, I can always push my way through if I truly wanted to. I'm incredibly strong and capable. But it's survival. It isn't healthy or sustainable in the long run. It cuts off my juiceness. My libido. My eros. It isn't worth it anymore. I'm determined to live a eros drenched life. Never lazy in a unhealthy way. Never speeding up in an unhealthy way. But to truly find the courage to live in an harmonious way. Slow enough and with enough help and support. Expressing my needs and desires. Even when they go unmet. To be unafraid and brave in standing and falling apart in my cycles and hormon changes. To speak up for myself and actually trusting my body are big and important steps out of survival. It's possible. Even when it's so vulnerable and tender. To let myself be seen in my softness. In my mess.

Sweet life. Truly open my eyes and body. Let me deeply feel the love and support. Amen