Money and life

Money has always been hard for me. Growing up poor made me a control freak around using money. Other people use drugs, or having a eating disorder, self harm etc as control mechanisms. For me it's always about money. Nothing throwns me off like money and financial challenges. I always have money no matter how little I'm earning. I'm damn good at saving money. I had to actually learn how to use money and still today I'm actively working with my nervous system because of money. Right now I want to cancel my trip to Ireland in September because it feels overwhelming to use that amount of money. I get stressed, I'm freaking out and it's all because I paid for this site. More money out than I had planned and the whole house of cards is falling down on me.

I know my nervous system is fried these days. My oldest is mentally ill again and his rage is massive and I'm scared for my safety. His dad is truly doing a great deal of work and I feel supported. But my body have no one. No long hugs. No great sex. No gentle touch. I use a huge amount of energy to stay grounded and healthy. I work out, eating right and sleeping enough. But it's exhausting. I need help. I need a safe haven. I need to rest and recharge together with a safe man.

So my go to is controlling what I can. Money. I keep long conversations in my head. 14 days off work in September and using that much money is going to affect the whole winter. I have saved money of course but yes, I'm not sure it's enough. So right now, I'm quite sure I'm not going. Instead I'm making new plans. Going for a few days to the spa. Staying home with good food and time to breathe. Using way less money and still getting a time out from everyday life.

I have rage against life and God lately. I have articulated clearly; It's time to recive more support. It's time to level up or down. I don't give a fuck in witch direction as long as something changes. I have proved myself again and again. I'm good at dealing with this life on my own. I'm handling it. Back full time working. Living on my own. Thriving. Doing all the right things. Good friends and family. I'm doing everything right. I'm relaxing and taking good care of myself. I'm mastering life on my own. Let's move on for fuck sake. What more do I have to do or be to actually attract a good and healthy man into my life? Life is never perfect. I'll always have things to work on and work out. It's always going to be challenges and trials. That's life. And I'm self aware and dealing with it all as conscious as possible. So life, give me the support I need! I need help for my hormones and nervous system. I need a man with energy and a harmonious nervous system and libido. I need strength and vitality. I need generosity and touch. I need calm and excitement. I need gentle touch and wild fucking. I have done the work and always will. What ever it's needed, I'll do it. Life, it's time to step up and in. Give me what I need. I'm ready to recive. Amen.