Mamas boy

I'm just a mamas boy he says with a wolfish grin. I didn't knew him well ( still don't) but the brief interaction showed me his almost brutal yet sensitive honesty. And I can only imagine his journey and self awareness because I got zero mothering feeling for him.

I have lived with it for a while. I'm a mother to two teenagers and I see and feel the tender, vulnerable heart of the boy and young man. Suddenly it's like I have new eyes and a new sensory mechanism. I can see into my past lovers and relationships and I see the little, sensitive, restless, vulnerable boy always trying his best to get mamas love, attention, respect and time. The little boy can be mean and naughty. Joe Rogan once said that a very few things are more destructive and dangerous than a gang of young, angry men. The whole mess of the unhealthy masculine. The little hurt and scared boy. My mama heart is bleeding. I feel so much compassion. I feel how I thank the gods when my sixteen year old son is sitting close to me, telling me he needs to feel connected and getting touched by a hug or a hand on his shoulder. The lack of human touch in this age is devastating. Do your research. Read the statistics. The lack of comfort, touch, safe and pure intimacy are heartbreaking. I know how much my kids are teaching me. I have so many recourses, therapy, nervous system regulation. My whole life is centred in how I can meet my kids in a healthy, constructive and relaxed way. It's a real life mystery school in itself.

So I know that most and maybe all of my past relationships had big, big issues with mother-son relationship. And now, the mother in me can sense it. Younger men are drawn to me. My huge, active mother energy is so attractive. They yearn for mamas love and attention. They are so confused, tired and hurt. They are often beautiful souls, curious, well behaved. The crave my harmonious, relaxed energy. The feel my warm personality. It isn't kink. It isn't sexual. It's just the little boy that desperately needs love and care. It's zero judgment. The mother in me want to save them all. To hold them close and let them rest deeply.

The woman in me is walking away. Over and over again. It isn't mine to hold or fix. The little boy isn't my responsibility. It's his. I can love, respect, support my man. I can listen to his hurt and pain. That's different. An adult male takes total ownership even when he shares. He doesn't want to be saved. He refuse to let my mother energy have any place in this. He will arrest me. Correct me and fuck the shit out of me, so my body, mind and soul are totally free from mothering him on any level. I don't know the masculine journey into healing and holding the little boy inside. Maybe therapy and men groups. What I do know from my own journey is to do my research. To understand more of the complexity of childhood patterns. To investigate my own story with illness and health. To understand how to support my hormones and nervous system. How to do my fitness and spiritual practice. How to actually build a good life by repeating good and constructive actions and habits.

And I do know now that when sexual attraction starts to fade in a relationship, dare to talk about the underlying issues. A healthy, vital and regulated sex life is so telling about you health on every level. It's the key to growth because it's so incredibly vulnerable.

So yes, I thrive outside Instagram. I write more. I'm way more relaxed and I love every real life interaction I have. I'm learning and growing in so many new ways.

And I wish every mother and every father could tell their children this:

Wherever you go from here you have to promise to take care of that little boy for me. “Make sure he never forgets where he came from. And he never doubts that he’s loved. And he never lets anyone tell him that he doesn’t belong there.

( Rio Morales, Into the Spiderverse)