Like a virgin or something

It's almost 2 years since I had sex with a man. My last connection ended just days before I got sterilized and I haven't been with a man since. It wasn't a conscious decision but I'm so grateful for my own choices in this. I'm conscious about what I eat, how I move, what I consume of entertainment and what kind of people I want in my life. Of course I'm picky when it comes to men I want to have sex with. In the big picture it's easy to understand why I have needed time to choose. And still do. For the first time in my life I can have unprotected sex and no fear for pregnancy. That's actually a huge thing for me. Like wow... Almost like being a virgin, kind of feeling. So I'm even more picky for that reason particularly.

I read somewhere that you, as a woman, always rides his consciousness when you ride his cock. His values, standards and boundaries. Causal sex without strings attached, doesn't exist. Ever. At least not for me. And I can't be with a man that still needs to explore poly or swingers in any form. I want a conscious, smoking hot monogamous relationship. With one exception and you know who you are. He is off limits anyway.

So yes, I'm slowly waking up to the need for a good man in my life. I'm good on my own for real and I need a man that can take me places I can't take myself. I feel my hormones more than ever and good sex on a regular basis is medicine for the feminine hormone and nervous system. Penetration regulates so incredibly much. And yes, yet again this is huge. It takes a good, conscious man to actually be the medicine. Hook ups won't do a shit. Quite the contrary. Hook ups destroys the female body, mind and soul and I don't want it.

Yes, I'm horny and wildly alive. I'm so deeply connected to my pussy, body and turn ons. I'm a big slut and a freak. And most of all I yearn to embrace my devoted submissive sides. To truly be at peace in being his. Yet again, this is huge. A true devoted and loving dominant man is quite rare. They do exist. I know. And I yearn for him.

So these two years has been good. My depression is eased up, my life is easier, brighter, lighter and with more fun and joy. I feel reborn. Ready and hungry for embracing life. I feel sober. Less "love addicted " more in touch with my standards and boundaries. And my self worth. I feel at peace. Grounded and stable. I have way more capacity in general and way more open to explore good connections.

Yet again, I chose to write it all down. Feel it deeply and then give it over to life. To surrender to the not knowing and trust the timing of it all.