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Just stop! When I'm not allowed to..

I'm not allowed to play out the seductress in me. I flirt. I move. I play. Sweet. Suggestive. Full on.


I feel you. Do you have some kind of nostalgia right now? I have to be honest.


It isn't the first time. Before we even met. I was my usually sexual open me. He refused to go down that road.


Even when he express his deepest, darkest,  rawest desires and what he wants to do to my body and mind. Even then. He just stops and switch completely. I feel you and that's it.



I can't hide. I can't seduce my way out of this. He is in awe for his newfound playground and how he can express his dark masculine without shame and apology. He loves it. His desires are dark. Even for me. And still,  still, I'm not off the hook. He refuse or feel exactly when the erotic is a hiding place and when it's liberating. So...I'm exposed in ways I'm not used to. My way of being is questioned. I'm confronted with my deepest fears and he refuse to let me bypass it. The Truth and nothing else than the truth, baby.



He is a true Gemini. His light is blasting. Clear. Direct. Safety first. Protective. Have clear goals and moving forward with a steady pace. He works hard and his work with animals and horses makes him highly sensitive to the nervous system.  His own and others. He is hands on and present.  His dark twin is dark and with chills down my spine I have to remember to breathe. His darkness matches mine. He isn't totally sure yet how to play in this darkness. He is suddenly and finally accepted and felt in this realm. His nice guy tendencies,  the way he adapted to the Scandinavian society still have a hold on him. How he was openly shamed for wanting and needing to be in his dark, primal power.



I feel like a kid. Dragging my feet while walking. Like a spoild brat. Crying because I'm being given what I want and need but the timing isn't mine. It isn't the right time. God damn it. Not now. I was slowly finding my footing. My steady ground. The illusion of holding it together. To be in control. Oh yes! To be the puppet master and let people play to my tune. To have it my way.



And sweet life.  God. The Healthy Masculine. The Crone. The Hag. They all show it , in my face. He leads. I follow. You lead. I follow. Now it is for real.


Yes it's also real that I need to take it slow but I know The Truth when it's present. New layers of me, or old layers and patterns are exposed. I'm being led into realms I can't reach on my own. And just to be clear. Yet again,  it isn't only about this one man. Men, people comes and goes. But how willingly I'm to be lead and to learn from what life gives me, that's the clue here. My kids are leading me into some great life lessons every time we are together,  so is my customers and friends too. The morning sun teaches me about beauty because I'm open for it. My cat teachs me how to relax. So when I'm open and soft, life gives my this opportunities to go deeper,  like all the time.

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