It hurts so deeply

Oh my heart. I feel how I'm tensing up. He wants to step in, closer. I resist. I'm done. He has his life, his partner and his kids. I was so sure. No more. I didn't wanted to answer him. And dang... It's a wall. It's me being anything else than vulnerable and transparent. I just want to push him away and stay safe in my own space. But damn. I asked for masculine guidance. Here it is. Staring me in the face. I had to actually write down my deepest fear. How I find it so difficult and hard to pick myself up after being with a polyamorous man. How I feel it isn't worth it. I use so much time to come back to myself and my body. To detox from the connection. And you know what? It isn't about him specifically. It's about people in general. Yes. I don't know how to hold myself in all of this. How to ask to get my needs met or more specifically how to pick myself up if they aren't met. It's too vulnerable. It's too scary. And what's the real and honest monster behind it all? Self worth. Fuck. Am I worthy of your time, attention and love? I'm more hung up in how to recover when I'm yet again on my own. I'm so walled up. I'm so deeply hurt. I'm so fucking scared of what I crave the most. Real, honest human connection. I'm not speaking specifically about a lover or partner but real connection in general. How did it happen? I'm a people person. I connect easily. I love humans.

I guess it's the stripping down part. How life and something inside of me knew that I needed time and space to slow down for real. To regulate my nervous system. Who am I when I'm not under high pressure? Who am I when I'm not on high alert or in survival?

I have never been more "popular " than now. I'm literally dripping in my own feminine pleasure. I'm honey and everyone it seems want a taste. It's not about that. I know my own worth in so many ways. I know I'm the prize and they adore me. I love it. I'm the ugly duckling becoming the Swan. I love my own beauty and body. It's not about that.

It's me when I'm not put together. When I cry ugly tears. When I'm falling apart. When I feel so deep joy that I'm shattered by it. Who has my back? Who wants to just hold me and help me understand that I'm not alone,?

I see how this path is taking me deeper and beyond. To trust that I don't need to do this life on my own. To trust when I want to run and hide. To see and feel Him in every man I meet. To celebrate and hold my sisters close. To know that it's okay to feel that I don't know much. To accept everything that I am. My beautiful human messy nature. To know I'm worthy of my own love and compassion. To let it bleed. To let it go. To cry and not knowing if my heart ever is going to feel whole again. It hurts. It's so painful and I'm in awe. He leads me deeper. My old patterns, trauma and wounds. It's time to breathe. To say thank you for caring about my growth. Thank you for leading me into my pain and let me breathe with it. Soften into it. To melt and kneel down and say thank you. I love you. My soft, vulnerable heart is safe. I know.