I don't want to do life on my own. It hurts to be so damn good taking care of myself. To be so content, whole and self sufficient. I can truly take care of myself in every way. I have a rich and fulfilling life with good and deep connections and relationships. So why does it hurt? I'm almost afraid to not having the space and bandwidth to enter a relationship with a man. I have literally to make room. So when I drop my guard and feel into it, the empty space I have to create, I feel the pain of the ache. The pain of the yearning, the pain of my longing. I hesitate to go there. To open myself to all those hidden emotions. I do feel into them from time to time, but usually I let them slip under my consciousness. The sweet, innocent submissive. The naughty slut. The easy going whore. The calm and content everyday woman. All of me. The devoted one and the submissive one are the most vulnerable and sensitive ones. It hurts so bad to not been supported and seen in that. A man who truly understand the growth and possibilities in such powerful dynamics. Mutual devotion and service. To create something real and honest. Together. Conscious. Honest. Raw. Kinky as fuck. Fully devoted to eachother and the relationship we are building.
Yes. It hurt. The stretch in knowing what I want and need and the not yet, the life not yet created, the man still not there. To be willing to do and be everything I need to be so he actually can enter my life. It hurts and I'm sacred. For the consequences. The cost. The price. I want it to be epic and real. I want the point of no return. I want it all. It hurts and I'm still so scared. What if it actually is happening? To be there and let him and the relationship do it's work. To expose all my flaws, wounds and ego ways. But to stay in the fire, together . To connect and reconnect. To always show up because we both want this mutually badly. To hang in there. To fuck eachother. To drive eachother crazy and nuts. To love and respect each other deeply and for real.
I want so much. I need so much. It feels that my insides are ripped apart. The agony feels so real. It hurt so bad. And over and over again I have to surrender to what is. He isn't here. Yet. It's stepping into thin air, over and over again. I got me. I have my own back. I'm content and whole. I surrender. I give up. I let it all go. I don't want to struggle and fight this anymore. Life. Whatever is in this moment I surrender to it. I can only soften and drop into my body. I am. I am. I am what I'm. I don't want to life on my own but I accept the here and now. I embrace myself, my kids and my dear friends. I'm loved. I'm worthy. I'm not alone. I belong. People love me. The world love me. He is arriving. I know. And he is so welcome into my life and body. Amen.
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