In ropes

About this weekend...

What I have learned this summer. I have felt something different, something new and it`s so obvious. He, like in Him provided me with so much growth, it was and still it`s insane. So much got super clear and He was growth on steroids. The intensity, the roller coaster of emotions, the high and lows. He was real life magic on so many levels and He still has such strong grip on my whole being. I want Him badly, still. AND, I slowly waking up to those other experiences or that one, new experience that feels really good. It became clear after this weekend with being in Andys ropes. I was a bit concerned about my own ability to hold myself after being exposed and feeling into all the deliciousness of being lead by a skilful master and been exposed to a whole new audience. To be in ropes is something I have experienced quit much but usually by my female friend in private and it`s different being tied up by a man with people watching you closely. So yes, I was ready to be extremely vulnerable and raw in this. The workshop was for couples and I knew I was going home alone both nights. Yes, I was tired after long days filled with so much connection, touch, hugs, laughter and deep conversations. But when I was on my own afterwards I wasn’t fragile, I didn’t fell apart or felt that intense sense of loneliness and isolation. I didn’t feel euphoric either, I just felt content, relaxed, grounded and full. I felt good. Soft and wide open, yes, emotional and I cried a bit, but I felt so in touch with myself and I felt so seen, held and connected with those people I had met. I still felt that when I was alone. No crash and burn, no falling apart. My body trusted Andy deeply and it was a bit insane to get the feedback from those beautiful humans. They were in awe, they got turned on, they felt it was holy ground, they got tears in their eyes and the praise for how beautiful we were together, how amazing it was to see how aware and in touch Andy and I was. The dance of ropes, touch, eye contact, smiles and Andys incredibly skill to listen to my breathing, to my body language and my whole being. I know how fantastic it is to watch. I saw Andy and Lin this winter and was stunned by their beautiful connection and how Lin trusted him so deeply and without hesitation. I thought then it was about years of knowing each other and working closely with intimate stuff, and I`m sure that helps. But, this was my first time in Andys ropes, I have worked with him once before but not like this. My body had a full body YES and I had no choice in that matter. My mind went completely still and my body gave itself fully into the moment. I was in deep trance and he pulled me out of it over and over again. I wasn’t allowed to fade into just my own little bubble. I was there also for his pleasure and connection and being in it together was the whole point. He made a beautiful distinction in surrender vs submission. In ropes it`s so clear and it`s easy to take it out in everyday life. In ropes the surrender is how I sink into my own experience, into my own bubble, into my own bliss, me held by the ropes. Submission on the other hand is Andys intensions, how and where he wants to lead me. His main pleasure and reason he enjoys tying people up is the more or less wordless dance and conversation between us. It`s me, it`s him and together we created a WE. So by following his lead I submit to his will and guidance. So, now I know the difference between surrender and submission.

Yes I have needed a bit time to digest this weekend and I guess it`s still quite much to process and it`s going to be more post about this. ANd I suddenly got aware of how this feeling of groundedness is also being a part of my beautiful experience with my skilful summer lover, the Dom that gave me so much pleasure this summer. The man that truly wants me, he wants to be a part of my life and love me. And I, I`m still afraid, still concerned about health, still scared of connecting because I feel too fragile and I don`t know yet what kind of health difficulties I can live with in other people. Anyway, what he did provided was the same feeling as Andy. The feeling of ease the feeling of being lead by a man that is fully present. A human that truly want to take care of me and have the actual space and time to meet my needs, that wants to know me and connect with me for his own pleasure and to share it with me. I don`t feel empty or hollow when I`m alone, I hardly misses him and it isn`t because I doesn’t care about him. My needs was met, my cup was filled up, I was held, I was fucked, I was taken care of on so many levels. It maybe sounds stupid to you, but this is actually new for me and I also understand more about my dynamic with Him. To unpack that He had not the capacity or the time to actually meet me in my needs. So I was constantly grasping for attention and the deep desire to connect with Him. I gave me the bare minimum and that`s painful to feel into. He isn`t perfect and I know it`s about life and not bad behaviour or He being a bad person. But it stings, it hurts to know that I wasn’t a priority, I wasn’t important enough. It`s the sad truth and I forgive myself for losing myself in it. I know more now, I know that love and real present gives me peace and the deep feeling of standing safe in myself. It`s maybe a bitt less madness or maybe that is possible to, but it`s possible to both have crazy good sex and not being addicted or lose myself. When my needs get met I can relax and recharge in a different way. Me being constantly on, and the need to please HIm and being too much was clear signals that I wasn’t met, I was constantly starved for fundamental connection as a human. I see it and I feel it. And I forgive myself and I forgive Him. I learned so much and I love Him so deeply and I know that I`m worth more. I`m worthy of healthy, strong, messy and connected love. So yes, the weekend gave me so many new perspectives and I`m so grateful to dive even deeper into my own path. The sub in me is yearning, the slut is looking forward to be used and abused by a healthy masculine man. The human in me knows that I still need time on my own. So I relax even more. I slow down even more. All good things comes when I`m open, soft and relaxed. No need to rush. He is there already. In me.