It's fascinating how I love music and I'm highly visual in my imagination and more and more I have these waves of feelings and emotions about things and situations yet to come. It started with Him and it was like remembering actual events and experiences I haven't had yet. Memories from the future, sort of. I could literally feel touch, scent, how my whole being filled with burning desire and how it felt to have Him deep inside of me. It was so real and it wasn't me fantasizing or thinking. It hitted likes warm waves. And now it's back. I'm not sure if it's about Him anymore and it doesn't matter at the moment. It's Incredible. To feel the wave and I'm in tears feeling into this big and deep love I have for another human. I feel how love and gratitude pours out of me. I'm super soft, tears running down my face and I'm so wide open. It feels like ancient love and brand new at the same time. There you are. The Beloved. The Man I belong to. I feel His firm and clear presence. His warm body and humour. I don't know who he is but my body knows him. I feel so much joy but still calm and grounded. I feel so emotional and how my whole being is in motion. Moved by him.
So maybe it's a reason I don't date and I feel like the song from The Stone Roses
"I don't have to sell my soul
He's already in me
I don't need to sell my soul
He's already in me
I wanna be adored"
I choose to trust my inner wisdom and yes the tarot cards still suprises me. I picked on purpose out The Emperor and it's the screen picture on my phone because I love how beautiful the card is ( Shadowscape Tarot Deck) I picked a pic from Google and not from my own deck. A few days later I got massive issue with my diaphragm and my whole solar plexus was in intense pain. It was hormones,waiting for my period,maybe I had eaten wrong, my self worth felt off and I was crying of pain and confusion. I asked for support and two cards literally fell out. The Emperor and Death. (Phoenix in Shadowscape)
I loved the tarot deck in the first place because of The Phoenix being Death. Transformation. But yes The Emperor had already made himself visible and together they gave me this deep sense of peace. My pain eased. And today I felt so strongly the Healthy Masculine being present.
I know this time of my life is to dare to soften around anything that arises. To be so deeply compassionate towards myself that I totally loses all those hard edges that still exist inside of me. When I know I'm held, loved and provided for. When I know that my heart is safe. No matter what. What a journey. What a path. To continue to trust my inner wisdom. To trust life so deeply. It's insanity and the only way I want to live. My whole being is soft, fluid, flexible. To regulate and care for my nervous system is my main priority. Relaxed body and mind. To touch myself with love and compassion. To eat and nourish myself properly. To sleep more. Rest more. Cry more. Inwards. I'm withdrawing from the world. Only high quality energy is allowed. Thank you. I love you. On my knees. My resting place. My rightful place. At his feet.
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