Head, heart and balls

When his instincts and heart is online, everything changes. Even his body. And yes, never forget both women and men need to feel safe during sex with a new partner. And yes, I'm still hung up in the condoms. It was a big issue for him until it was not. At all. Even his body responded differently. It's about safety and how he loves. I has been ill for weeks and he truly felt concerned about my health and wellbeing. I could feel how much he actually cared for me.  And me being me, I was horny, turned on as usual but even more because I felt safe, seen, protected. To witness and see how condom suddenly was zero problem and he was so enjoying to be inside me again. He was rock hard and felt deep and real pleasure.

It's never "just about the sex" I totally feel the difference. He has my heart,  my back and my whole being. I'm still very slow in this and yes I feel unbelievable blessed by him.. And I still need so much time to regulate on my own. I don't want to be in the middle,  just waiting for him and constantly feeling that I miss him. My life on my own is so crucial and necessary. I still don't know if this is actually long term or just a wonderful and beautiful teaching process. It's humbling and so good for my nervous system to have a man that actually are showing up, fully. Head, heart and balls. He wants me and as I have written many times,  my whole being and body collapsed. It's strong medicine to meet a man that keeps his words. A man that desire and crave to know me, all of me. It's a total shock to my nervous system when a man insist to keep the connection even when I'm moody,  unclear,  being a drama queen and pushes him away. He is clear, honest,  calls me out and fucks me like a champion. So yes, it's so much to adapt to. I need plenty of time alone just to feel and breath. Do I really want this? It's too early. It's not fitting my life. I need more time. And the deep understanding that life wants me to let go of control a bit more. It's not up to me to pick and choose. It's way more about surrender,  trust and obeying. As long as I stay radically honest with myself,  wide open eyes, feeling my heart and body deeply, he is leading me even deeper. He is a true gift. I want to return to sender on som levels. Still burned after Him. But life want to grace me with this solid,  strong,  kinky,  freaky and honest love. He is so ready to protect and provide for all of me. So I'm breathing , dancing,  crying my way into this. Just for a couple of months or a lifetime or something in between. I'm ready to walk this path with him. Let life unfolds and committing myself to the Truth. This is my golden opportunity to never hide anything from myself. Radically and truly listen deeply to whatever is going on inside of me. 1000% transparency.

And yes baby... He is strong and virile as fuck and I totally weared him down. I finally understand deeply my erotic capacity. It's massive. It's like the ocean. But he is so honest and clear in this and I feel zero shame. He gives me the dark,  twisted love and fucking I need and the tenderness and calm I crave. I'm bruised,  marked, soar, tender and sensitive because how he beautifully dare to lead me into this wild and primal fucking and love making. So yes, after days with it, I'm still horny as fuck. Guess my health is back. I sleep so good and feel how life is pulsing through my veins. And it feels so different to lay down and rest with a healthy man. He is working outdoors the whole year as a professional climber. So his body is slim but solid. He is healthy tired and worn out. It's a huge difference to my nervous system. I have had a chronically ill man close for years. He never told me fully how ill he was. I was constantly battling a darkness that I couldn't understand. Yes my life was way different back then with smaller kids, hospital and illness but he was off in ways that have taken me years to truly understand fully. He wasn't capable to let me in emotionally and for 8 years he never felt that he was made for being in a relationship....

So yes, it feels very different with this new love. He claims me. I belong. He is honest. He is so open and I'm amazed. He cherishes me and so expressive in what he feels. It's a new reality. I still feel sober in this. I don't feel "in love" , I'm not super excited or having the familiar high intensity and slightly nervous anxiety that I know from other relationships. It's steady and grounded. It's filled with sensations but it doesn't leave me on a high but makes me connect even deeper to myself and my body.

This journey is different. It's real. It's honest. I feel free. I'm breathing. I feel calm and grateful. I feel seen and supported. I feel heard and understood. I know it's room for growth and to explore. He feels right. Never in my life has a body fitted so well with mine. So I'm going to stay honest and real and enjoying every second of this wild ride.

Thank you! I love you.