He leads me into my deepest fears

Penetrate me deeper. I'm not hijacked by my hormones and emotions this time around. I feel so sober. Clear headed and speaking my truth with ease. He feels right. Liberating. Good for me and even my fearful mind is quiet. We have already had hard conversations about freedom, monogamy and birth control. So easy peasy yes? Then my biggest and deepest fear appears again. My bladder infection or the symptoms of it. I have to keep telling myself it's only symptoms. I'm healed. I write it to him and feel how my symptoms are easing massively. Just by sharing it.

It's logical reasons for it. New bacterial flora and I was just finishing my period and it leaves my body slightly more open. Condoms isn't only about pregnancy but also my vulnerability in getting infections. ( or used to. I have been well for years)

But it also about me telling my ex husband and my closes friends about him. It's all about vulnerability AND how safe am I in the world? I felt so safe. In my head. Even in my heart. But my animal body isn't whispering.. Am I safe?? In capital letters. Yes my love. You are safe. And this is the main reason for the masculine. To lead me deeper into places I can't reach on my own. My hidden fears is taken into the light. Felt. To be shared. No more hiding. And fascinating enough he has similar challenges. We had an really good conversation how to bring love and attention to those vulnerable places in our bodies. To enter a healing space together, consciously.

So I guess I have to soften into it all. Yesterday I was flat out and watching Netflix the whole day, alone. I needed so much food, rest and I slept so good. My animal body demands solitude, nourishment, healthy food and rest. I'm not entering this dynamic easily. I feel like I'm dragging my feet. Like a naughty child. I don't want this. It's too early. But my heart knows. And my body. He penetrates me deeper. Beyond my wounds and trauma. If he is staying for 14 days or a lifetime, I really don't know, but he shows me what I need to see and feel.

So I'm crying. Kneeling for The Healthy Masculine. It's my path to honour and worship it in every form it appears in my life. To recognise The Truth. To surrender to the unknown and consciously submitting to how the healthy masculine wants to lead me deeper. Yet again it isn't only about this new, wonderful man. It's deeper and bigger. I'm here to serve. He knows. He have deep respect for it. For my path and my mission in the world. I know I can serve life even deeper, rawer and more honest than ever. I'm supported. Held. Seen. Loved. Dear God. I'm giving up my own will. Let me serve life in every way I can. Use me as you please. Let my dark feminine be the medicine for the world and for the people around me. Amen