Yet again I have to kneel down and respect that I can't understand you or the deep felt love that still exists inside of me even when you are doing what you are doing. I truly want to stay soft and tender in this and right now the miscommunication seems to be too much. I know you big, beautiful heart but I can't trust you and I have to listen deeply into myself. What's mine to own, what part of your judgement is right and true? And what's your shadow, wounds and story? I want to give you the benefit of a doubt without destroying myself all over again. It's complex. Something in me still holds on to you and yet again I thrown out in the endless loop of my mind. Trying so hard to understand why you are communicating in the way you do and why you are so hard on me. I share what I feel after giving you a heads up about how complex it is. Maybe this is your purpose to break me open, to push me into waking up even more. But you seem heartless in it. It's hard to find your care and support at all. You don't give me useful feedback or information for me to understand our dynamic. So yes, maybe you are the Devil on the Crossroad. The Hanged Man is almost always showing up when I feel into you. Your feet are not on the ground. I don't understand fully and I know that I don't know. But what I do know, you are hurting. Badly. And I know men are growing through hardship and challenges. Maybe I'm not used to see and hear the masculine telling the truth in every shade and step of his journey? Maybe you are so sensitive and clear inside of you, that every wrongdoings are deeply felt and addressed without the capacity to see that I also need reassurance from time to time. It feels when I see myself through your eyes I see a woman that wants to hurt you on purpose. And it makes me sad, because it's anything but. I wanted so badly to serve you and to be there for you, to connect on a deep soul level. But I'm ending up over and over again stuck in my head. Feeling that I'm all wrong, bad and not good enough. Oh I know that in some ways it good for me to be humbled, to go through the fire of humiliation and to burn away my unconscious patterns of blame and hurt. But I also need to feel the broader spectrum of care, safety and benefits of the doubt. My experiences are kind of gaslight and doesn't seem to be taken into recognition.
So I don't know, you beautiful, stubborn man. I can't continue to lose myself in the abyss that you are. My stubborn heart holds on in a way or is it even deeper, I don't know. The misunderstandings, the miscommunication, the pain and confusion. I can't argue or even trying to explain. It isn't room. It isn't opening. So I'm just softing around the hurt. Opening myself to everything healthy and good in the masculine. Praying for your health and wellbeing. I wish you only good. Deep breath. I have to consciously embracing my body again. I know my intentions are pure. I have to regulate and relaxing into my own being. And let life unfolds. I love you baby girl. I see and feel your efforts. I see your heart and tender being. I feel the confusion and pain in loving Him. Baby girl, go where you are loved and appreciated. Go where it's capacity, hands on and clear intentions of keeping the connection. Let Him be. He is hurting massively and it isn't about you. You are a byproduct of it. He needs a sub and you thought you could be what he needed. But without proper guidance and conscious support and advice this path is destructive. He isn't able to give you clearity and direction. That's not yours to take or hold. Let Him go, baby girl. I know. The love is so deeply felt even after this. Because you crave growth. Your curiosity takes a hold on you. What if? What if I'm just good enough? Find the right words? Hitting the nail ... What if things was different? It isn't. Even after months of silence it isn't. This healing journey is massive. It's messy. I can only love deeper and let love opens me to the mystery of loving you.
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