Fuck me like an animal and bring me closer to God

On such nights like tonight I tend to overshare. After been withdrawn and introverted for a while I'm turned on as fuck. It's pouring out of me. So I share without shame or an apology. My blog. My sanctuary. My safe space to be. I miss Him like crazy. I'm struggling to breathe. The intensity. The rage. The grief. The deep love. The dream. And to know deep down. It wasn't the right time. He complicated my life on so many levels. He smashed up the doors to all my deepest and darkest desires. Ripped apart by his powerful presence. How to recover after that? I didn't get my heart broken. He crushed and killed everything I was before him. I can imagine it's like learning to walk again. I don't want to recover. I just want his madness. I'm willing to pay the price. Whatever the cost. I'm willing to pay. I'm amazed how many dark paths I'm walking down in loving Him. Dark magic. Black magic. Devote myself to a God I don't believe in. To embrace the strange spiritual stuff that seems to appear with or without my consent. Why did you step into my life in the first place? Fuck you for playing with me. Fuck you for not keeping your word. I watch you and I want to scream to the world and tell them you are fraud. You are out of integrity. You fucked me ower and denied me to express myself. I hate you for leaving me like this. And you are my real initiation. I thought my mothers death or my chronically ill child. But no. It was painful. Still is. But you...You open me up to something I didn't believe possible. And you left me. Wide open. Without guidance. Left alone to navigate this huge field of worship and devotion that I have no clue to live with. The power dynamic was off balance. You are a man in power. You abused your power. I said yes. I said yes to the contract to becoming your sub. I was all in. And you dropped me. Without hesitation. Easy. Because your life was complicated. Welcome to the real world. So I'm left unsupervised. Lost in the darkness. Picking up the pices as good as I can. Trying to find my footing. Doing my best to breathe with hating you and loving you. To ache. To bleed at not understand how I want to live in a world without you. So I turn to a God I don't believe in. Kneel down and ask for keeping myself open to see and feel the healthy masculine being there for me. To let the blame and hurt melt away. To trust that I can trust men again. So yes.. It hurts. Forgive me for not being able to move on. Forgive me for not understanding my place. I feel so lost. And I know I have to forgive myself more an anyone. For opening myself to you. To lose my dignity. To fall from grace. To lose myself completely. So yes.. I guess thank you for messing me up, big time. Guess you are lucky that I didn't kill myself. Like she did. You almost lost three women at the same time. You kept K. And you cut me lose. So yes.. I love you. Maybe I just have to accept that. To learn to live with it. I have two wishes in life. To be rich and to belong to you. Guess I'm kind of shallow. I'm not. And maybe one day I can feel into this time and write you a thank you note. For bringing me closer to God.