This intense need to connect , to be visible, to express. I feel the aftermath of being around people. I crave. I yearn. I want. I need. I miss. It's why it's hard to actually meet people. I feel starved and having a hard time picking myself up again. And it feels right to state for myself I'm going to stay single for a while. The man I want isn't available and I don't feel available to step into any dynamic at all. Not even with him. It's so many levels and layers to navigate. If He picked up contact I'll sure be happy but our dynamic haven't a clear direction or outcome. I'm too tied up to my life here, still. So He would and could be a block for receiving actual masculine provision. And maybe I'm blocking it by being hung up in a fantasy about Him and how great He is. So yes, I'm softing into the multi layerd life and I truly have to go easy on myself. It's a lot going on and I so feel how I'm building protection and walls.. I feel so raw and fragile. I feel no sense of safety outside what I can provide for myself and I want so deeply to trust life, God, the healthy masculine all over again. I feel how I'm slightly blaming Him for fucking so much up. How I got in touch with my own unworthiness over and over again. Even when I know it was about His capacity and me being constantly starved for attention and affection. I need more than He could give and I ended up over stretching and over giving. And when I don't hear anything from Him I feel so stupid and ashamed. He got all of me and I got a bare minimum and then He just dropped me. I feel so sad and hurt because of it. Especially when He doesn't seem to care. It's hard and I get so vulnerable in still loving Him wanting Him in my life, my need to adore and worship Him. So to soften even more. To feel myself with a tender gentleness. To not focusing too much on Him at all. Just let Him be there, soften my whole being around my hurt. To trust. Even when I want to scream at Him. See me. Feel me. Listen to me. You stepped into my life God damn it. Take responsibility for destroying me in ways I didn't knew was possible. Fuck you for splitting me open and leave. God how I want to talk to Him. Listen, understand, embrace. And I have to soften. Let it all go. Open my hands, heart and body. Give birth to all of it and let it go. Gently soften and yet again hold myself. I know it isn't our time now. It's my time to stay single, hard core and soft true to myself, my path and journey. I know. Oh sweet life. I'm broke open in my need to be seen, loved, held, heard. Hear me! Listen. I need. I need and I need. To hold myself in that. Breathing through the hurt. The waves of contractions. To breath. Relax. Open up. Soften into it all. Dear God.. Let me feel how the healthy masculine is all around me. Yearning to protect and provide for me. Let me stay humble and grateful. Open my eyes to how He provides far beyond my own hurt and blame. This crazy journey of devotion. This emotionally masochistic pain and pleasure filled life on my knees. I trust you. Fuck me deeper and beyond my limitedunderstanding. Thank you for always taking care of me, even when I find it hard to feel it. Thank you. I love you.
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