Feed me

People are complaining how they're losing their appetite for food in this heatwave. I don't. I have more appetite than ever. Living in a over sexulaized society where people hardly actually have sex. I haven't lost my appetite. I'm hungry and horny. I eat delicious food and fuck myself properly, every day. Yes, still tired of doing this on my own. Feed me and fuck me please and thank you!

I'm slightly frustrated and curious at the same time. I'm so used to getting after everything I want and desire. It's always been easy to find a man who wants to fuck me. Until it isn't. I know it's myself and the huge transformation that I'm still deep inside of. Every damn thing in me are transforming, changing, dying and being reborn. I know what I want. I feel the new , tender and raw me. It's scary. Because it's so honest and vulnerable. To be super horny, dripping, wet and soft, and still hesitate. Because it has to feel right. My body knows and my mind is screaming in frustration. And my heart ache. One upon a time, sex was relatively easy. I usually felt emotionally connected, because it was truly easy back then. I was open on every level. And I got hurt. And I didn't knew my own worth or what I actually could ask for. The downs were easily as deep as the highs.

Now I'm painfully, deliciously self aware. I want more. I accepted more. I command more. So no, not anyone can't do. It's bloody frustrating and I'm so fucking furious how I can't cheat myself anymore. Girl, just get laid, God damn it. No. It actually has to be right. Effort. Consistency. The whole fucking meal and not just casually breadcrumbs.

I have lost my patience. I have raged. I have been depressed. I have done everything. I have stepped back. Layed down my own doing. I know that women have to relearn how to painfully learn to do less. Way less. What the actual fuck!! How to surrender to all of this for real. Over and over again. Not my will but yours. Life. God. Whatever. Why I'm still alone when being with a good man is the only thing I want?

I can handle everything in my life. Every fucking thing. I don't need you in that sense. I have proven myself over and over again. I have managed and embraced my life in a glorious and delicious way. Next lesson. Please! Why is life still blocking me? Under this Leo new moon, give me insight to what still keeping me stuck in this particular pattern. Let me see it clearly. Let me feel it. Clearly. Amen.