I feel the urge to write again after a week without any writing. I miss it. The flow, the feeling and now my old, beloved Mac shut down again. I kid you not. Macs have their own personality even as an old laptop. I believe it's broken ( over and over again) and after a few days it's back working. At least for now. I'll never know for sure I guess. Writing freely and just emptying my head on a daily basis has transformed my life. To be my own best friend ( and worst enemy at some point) confidant and beloved. This is how I'm learning the depths of me. My needs, dreams, desires and fantasies. Honest and real. Like looking deep into my own eyes.
Yes, I'm going to meet the man again. The man I wrote about. We have talked the last 14 days and it feels good and right so far. And I'm so completely honest that I often have to remember to breathe. I share my feelings, my concerns, my reality and he insistes that it's all good. I even said that I can't have any push back on using a condom. In the heat of the moment I need him to keep his word. So I do still slightly hold my breath. Can I truly trust him. Has he truly deep respect for my life and wellbeing? I love men but sometimes I believe you really and truly don't understand how extremely disrespectful it is to refuse to wear a condom. It's the only way for me as a woman to feel safe and protected without using unhealthy birth control myself. Do you really understand? For me when a man deeply and for real take this in and meets my need to stay healthy and safe, then I can breathe deeply and free. And yes he is even open for a vasectomy if we are entering a relationship.
It's unbelievably strange this days. Like this summer when I met a old friend that became my summer lover. Back then and now I feel how they both could been long term partners and more than ever, maybe just a blessing and a lesson. I have never been so sober in my approach to sex, love and intimacy as now. Guess life after Him completely transformed me. I'm open, soft, feminine and I still need so much rest and time on my own. If you want to be a part of my life, this is who I am. So life long or just a wonderful lesson for the autumn and winter. I don't know really.
And no I still don't do casual sex. It's heart felt, connected, real conversations about intimacy and vulnerability. So these men are all the right men for me, right now. Maybe I truly have to sink into the reality that I have been with my husband for19 years and the king of my heart in 8. Back then I was an unconscious people pleaser. Exhausted mother. Scared and confused. Needy and unmet in so much. I guess for the first time in my life I'm in a passionate and intimate relationship with myself. Owing my needs and desires. Willingly to walk away when my heart and body doesn't feel safe.
I'm not a boss bitch and Miss Independent. I yearn to be at service and grow in a relationship AND I'm deeply in touch with this huge feminine force inside of me. I see and feel good men every day. I know you are there. I feel seen and supported in ways I didn't imagine possible.
And I'm in no rush. I have to stay true to my path. To holding myself and my life. To let life serve me. To be worshiped and adored. I'm allowing all of that. I recive the love and attention with a humble heart and deep felt joy. I'm slowly and steady being honest that like men, how easily and effortlessly they are entering my life, I want money and abundance to enter my life too. I'm slowly and steady letting go of me being poor and lack of money. The greatest taboo maybe. I want money to easily and effortlessly entering my life. To bless my life with dripping delight. So I can be generous to my surroundings. To share experiences of good food, spa's, movies, vaccinations and so on. I'm breathing deeply into this and open myself to learn how to handle more money. Taxes, investment, long term goals and growth. And the biggest taboo of all, I want it easy and from a deep place of rest, play and peace. I don't know how but I'll let life provide for me beyond my own imagination. Amen.
Yes on this grey November morning I'm feeling into this pictures from my beautiful summer of love. And yes I'm obsessed by this Instagram filter. I feel so luscious and like a Goddess. Lol. I love this slightly whimsical parts of me. To embrace the glitter and bling.
Jeg håper du bevarer din strålende sommerfølelse gjennom den mørke og kalde vinteren🥰