Do you dare?

Ever so tenderly I feel deeply compassionate towards myself. I feel how I'm still trying to grasp into the nothingness of letting you go. With you, it's like death. To know I'll never touch you,  feel you and never get the ending my whole being seems to yearn for. I feel myself with so much gentle compassion. I ask myself tenderly to let go. To yet again grieve the things left undone. It's less intense this summer but it takes surprisingly long time to heal. I have walked away easily, so many times. Got so fed up by myself and shrugged it of and opened myself again towards life and the world. But with you, my psyche try so hard to make sense of what happened and the deeply felt sense of unfinished business. I have tried all my usual strategies and they don't work. It's less intense. You are slowly fading. I don't get stuck in my mind as I used to. I still need to write to see and feel my own progression. I'm moving forward. I'm more free and at ease. And still some part of my stubborn heart longs for you. I know it's the image. Or the inner picture of the Primal yet heartfelt masculine. Can I truly transform it and liberate it from you? The yearing for the masculine in what ever form that serves my growth and not just you. You still provide growth just by existing in the world. But I want and need more.

It's such a strange time. Do I truly want a man and a intimate relationship? Do I truly want the work and stretching my capacity to adjust to having a human close to me? Like truly and for real? Not really. I get exhausted just by feeling into it. And yet I know I haven't been with a man that truly wanted to stay. To do the work. To commit to himself and his growth and by doing so commit to me and the relationship. Because most of us, including myself,  walks around with our wounds and are so lost. I want more. I don't want just hard work on myself and being the one committed to health, growth and expansion. Or I can and I do this on my own. I'm so capable and content with my own life. And I'm hyper aware my own patterns and responsibility in attending to them. I haven't experienced a conscious relationship with another human. Attempts, yes. Consciousness is an never ending progression. But I haven't met a man yet that truly want to walk a different path. Yet again I know it's easy to be stuck in the ego in what I believe it's a conscious man, what healthy masculinity should look like and I truly dont have clue. But I do know a bit more about myself. My own worth, to trust my body and to take my own growth,  healing and needs seriously. My own, healthy feminine nature is evolving. This old, yet new me is growing into a more healthy, relaxed and fully expressed woman. I'm less afraid to be myself fully. Loving and embracing who I am. My longing for death. The destructive. The ugly. The taboos. The dark. When other people shys back because I'm more than a pretty face and bright smile. I want to show the gore and those who dare to stare at the painful truth of my darkness are welcome to stay. Because I'm done being loved because of my light only. For the calm beauty and gentle ways. For the constructive,  capable human I am in everyday life. At service. Shining my light and smile. That's the easy part. Do you dare to respect and love my ugly? The not pretty and sexy? The death wish and ugly tears and breakdowns? My depression and rage. The falling apart and screaming of pure agony of my trauma and life of pain? Do you trust me when I tell you just to witness me in all that? Not jumping in trying to fix me or save me? Can you regulate your own nervous system and just breathe into my storm? Do you dare? Just to be with me and know it's deeply healing for me just letting myself be seen in ways that no one ever has seen me before?

Until then, I embrace my own journey. I'm not dating. I measure my success in how many good and real conversations I have. I open myself to building friendship and real community. To create a web and a safety net of real and honest people. People who cares about themselves and others. Who dares to slow down and touch each other gently and to know we are in this life together. We are so deeply hurt and we believe so strongly we are alone. Can you hear me? Can you feel me? Beyond the noise and hurt? It's time to heal. Together.