Control issues

Phew...For the first time since March, I actually finally feel some real attraction for someone else. I have so consciously let go of the fantasy of him. He can't and won't step in, so he is blocked on social media and I have deleted pictures. Actively cutting bonds, thoughts and fantasies.

Saturday I saw another man. I remember him way back. Like 20 years or something. His beautiful long hair and smile. I have never spoken to him, just observed him. For years. Way out of my league. I spent most of Saturday dancing or talking to him. His hair is still so incredibly beautiful and his smile, close up... So slow and sexy.

And you know what,  I still actively and consciously not feeding into anything or an outcome. I observed all of the sensations in my body. Truly felt them and honoured them. It's awesome so finally feel alive again and truly it doesn’t matter if anything happens or not. It's just one step into more freedom. To know I actually capable to feel deep attraction to someone else.

Attraction is my Akilles heel. I have been attracted to very,very few men. It leaves me in control with most men. Less vulnerable and naked. Quite easy to walk away without any strings attached.

But those few men, oh God. I get shit scared. So yet again I don't want anything to happens and I so want to know him better. He scares me and it's a clear sign of my control issues.  Phew. To breath and and let the sensations flow through me. It's okay feel. It's okay to admit I want to know him. It's okay to want to run for the hills. And it's okay to feel disappointed if nothing happens. I feel alive. On the edge.

It's kind of awesome to be moved by it all. I honour myself in it. My passion. My lust. My desire. I'm not ashamed. I know I easily goes there. To spinn everything into a story of something. The prayer in my body is always,  let the fantasy fade. Connect me to the truth. Give me eyes to truly see. Let me trust my body. Lead me into something real, honest and raw. Not my will. Not my fantasy. Not my games and stories. Lead me to the real deal. The man that chooses me. Actively. With confidence and with honest intentions. Him or some one else. I'm so ready to be thrown out of my comfort zone and into a real and honest relationship. Shit sceard but waiting with a soft heart and open body. Amen