Closer, baby girl

How to connect, reconnect and stay connected in it all? I'm so exhausted and tired. The fatigue, the pain and the over all unease in my body. And in it all my oldest got sick. It's rarely a virus, usually it's a massive nervous system release and his ptsd kicking in. It's so triggering and I can't hold back, 12 years of fear, hospitals, doctors and not knowing is flooding my whole being.

So in that, in all of the discomfort, how to stay connected and how to stay kind towards myself? To see and feel myself with gentle eyes and a soft heart. I feel guilty, ashamed and useless because I can't do much other than being honest of my limitations in the moment.

I don't want to push or pretend, or fix or being stressed out. It's now...now and now I softly can put my hand on my heart and belly and softly ask for help and support. Do you still have my heart and body in all of this? Can I still trust you when you are leading me down in all this dark places? Can I still feel the deep connection to the healthy masculine? Secretly I'm grateful for the new love not staying too much in contact this weekend. I feel extremely vulnerable and I don't want to talk to him. I just want to sleep, feeling of peace and rest.

Next week I'm busy every day and I'm supposed to have him with me in the weekend. I truly have to be extremely conscious in not overwhelming myself thinking too far ahead. To connect back to my body, right here, right now.

Oh I'm trembling. I feel the fear of truly letting go of control a bit more. I feel tired and restless. My mind and thoughts are trying to understand what's going on. I'm going down. Further down. Into every fear and monster. To sit with my demons and breath. To lose my grip, to soften to what is. God damn. It's now isn't? The real submission, the real devotion, the real worship. Can I kneel down and kiss his feet and say in the pich black of my worried mind; Thank you for leading me deeper into the Truth. Thank you for having my health and wellbeing as a top priority. Thank you leading me into places I can't reach on my own.

Stay connected baby girl. Life is working for you. Never against you. Let this sweet agony of pain and pleasure take you deeper. Always deeper and closer. To the earth, to your body. Reconnect. Remember who you are. Relax. Breath. Open. You are so deeply loved. Never forget. Thank you. I love you.