To drip in my own sexiness, to feel my own beauty glowing from the inside, to feel my feminine nature in everything I do. How is it possible? Here I am, feeling sexy as fuck, being called beautiful and sexy on a daily basis by other people. My weight is the same even when I have spent much of the summer not doing much at all. Rarely working out, eating what I wanted and just enjoying slow time, walking barefoot, swimming in the fjord, dancing to Wardruna or other great music. Letting the sun grace my naked body, sleeping when I felt for it, waking up early and go for a morning swim. How did I end up here? Yes it helps to have a few weeks off, yes it helps to be able to work less for a while and yes it helps that the kids are older and want and need to explore being alone at home. It all helps, but my own willingness to slow down has to be there, to actually enjoy what`s happing in my life. I could have been angry and upset that three relationships has ended these last couple of years. I could had chosen to be afraid of moving out and having less money. I could have used my time stressing about the kids or desperately wanting a man and a new relationship. I could been stuck in my sever depression and refused to get help from a therapist. But instead I started to embrace the slowness and let my inner knowledge and my body start to give me hint, clues and clear direction on how life can be lived from a very different state.
My reality for a long time didn’t gave me these choices. I got my first kid when I was 26 and got hit by a depression that made that time so hard. I was born and raised as a conservative Christian, youngest of 8 siblings and my mother was chronically ill my whole life. She died when I was 16 and at 18 I left my family and church. I couldn’t stay in such place. And yes, I was an extremely wild and angry child, but I got into this black depressed hole after losing my mother and that popped up again after giving birth to my first child. I met my husband (now ex) when I was 23 and we had a wild journey with an open relationship, exploring and experiencing so much together and apart. I had a parallel relationship for 8 years with a man I seriously believed was “the one” but when it ended in the time of covid, I was surprised how easily I moved on. Yes, I was in the depth of a wild journey (again..my life has been wild, I understand that now) in my first real experience with D/s and even when He came and went in such a short amount of time, my life chanced fundamentally. And I haven`t even started to tell you about the devastating truth of all this years of having children. My oldest got seriously and chronically ill when he was 5 and all these years later we are still doing our best to navigate that and my youngest is trans and they both has had massively mental trauma to heal from. So life has been impossible hard. But when my ex asked for a divorce I was first deeply exhausted. My severe depression hitted hard and covid and life was so overwhelming. And from the inside, the whisper about freedom, time to be on my own, the opportunity to slow dow. I couldn’t work full time, to burned out and too exhausted but then life gave me this clear message, my divorce actually became the most healing experience and still is. All my break ups and loses with men, actually gave my an opportunity to start speaking my own needs and how I wanted to use my time and energy. While illness and death are the real life crises, losing men is hard but it`s so different when I understood that I had an actual choice. Illness and death doesn’t care about you or give you a choice. You just have to survive and doing your best to stay strong and healthy for those who needs you to survive. So yes.. I`m in a different time in my life now. I can actually choose!
So... Back to the sexy slowness that I`m embracing these days. I named this summer for my summer of love and God know how much love, pleasure and joy I have revived. I feel so incredibly blessed. And yes, I feel a slightly pang of anxiety. What now? When everyday life is back and those magical days of summer is over. What now? I don`t know really, but my body knows the feeling now, the feeling of being heard and taken seriously. I guess I can trust that wisdom and to I feel it. Every time I feel fear, or being exhausted or any painful and difficult emotion, I ask myself how I can just soften, to melt into the pain, to breathe and move with it. I love the term “baby girl” that`s me seeing and feeling myself with compassion and love. Where I before had get stressed, angry or worried, I ask myself gently to just relax and take it slower, to be open for help, to be soft and tell my hurt or confusion. To ask myself what I need, what kind of nourishment had felt good right now? Healthy food, or not so healthy food, some movement? Dancing, music, a Netflix show, a conversation or a hug? I can see and feel myself so much more honest and compassion is the key for me. Compassion, gratitude and slow down are my go to these days. So yes, here I am building this blog and this webpage. Practicing being myself as much as possible. To trust life, to kneel down and surrender to the great unknown. Over and over again. Thank you for witnessing me. Thank you. I love you!
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