I'm very rarely ill but this year has been a massive slow down so I guess I shouldn't be surprised that in the end of it my body demands even slower. In every area. Walk slowly. Like barefoot on a ground that stings a little. Walk so slow that you feel your heartbeat. Walk so slow that your mind gets bored. Walk so slowly that the body finally can talk to you. In million if subtle ways. When my yes and my no comes from my core. When my life is mine. Radically and for real. Can I melt into these slow days and say thank you, dear body for your deep wisdom and knowledge. I needed to slow down even more and I wasn't aware. No work. No going outside. No pushing what so ever. Only hot herbal tea, tons of lukewarm lemon water. I'm amazed of how much liquid I need. I'm good at hydrating but this is a new level of needing. My body absorbs it. And I finally sleep well again. Deep rest. Warm. Safe. Good and nourishing sleep for hours. I feel this new calm. Newfound gratitude for my body relaxing even more.
So yes.. I want to honour myself in this. To listen deeply. To listen deeply to whatever arises in the body.
He is insisting to meet again after a month apart and me being ill most of the time. It's so strange for me to enter a relationship not with tons of butterflies and ecstatic joy. It's nitty-gritty, kind of. Hard conversations from day one. Raw honesty from the very start. Much is in alignment. The sub in me is seen and celebrated. The slut in me gets what see wants. But yes, deeper and beyond. It's walking into the wilderness without map. Only to let my body guides me. Is it safe? Is this what I truly need and want? Am I paying attention when I overstep my inner knowing? Can I stay radically vulnerable and honest? Do I dare to share my feelings no matter how stupid and annoying they may seem? Can I be and hold myself in all of this? Never in my life has I been so self aware in entering a relationship. I'm grateful for the resources and knowledge I have found over the years. Conscious relationships are not what we think they are. They are often so foreign and strange. So opposite of how we think and have experienced love and relationships before. Because we have used a lifetime to struggle to be loved and the child in us has done so many strange and unhealthy things to be loved. I'm not a child anymore. I'm a grown woman. Everything in my life is my responsibility. My reaction to things I can't control is my responsibility. How willingly am I to stay open and continue to grow and speak honest without fighting? This vulnerable path of feminine submission isn't about being a doormat. It's daring to speak from a very soft and unguarded place in myself. To offer my heart instead of my hard boundaries and demands. It's to owning all of me and daring to see if I'm truly met. Does he truly take care of my heart? Can I trust him for real? Such relationship requires extreme honesty. No more walls. To own my woundings and daring to go beyond them. To see the other with compassion without losing myself. To know I can hold my own heart and he holding his, but gently and with deep trust sharing it and let him hold it because he yearns for it. Union, dynamics and relationships are the holy path back to God, to life, heaven on earth or whatever you want to call it. It's my religion. My faith. My church. This beautiful human connection that can take me deeper into compassion, awareness, open my eyes to what I still not can see. This beautiful life. Thank you. I love you.
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