Self censorship

It's a long time since I felt into self censorship. Now I do. It takes courage to continue to write. He reads. He knows. He knows my inner feelings and thoughts and I have no clue if it's pushing him away or not. I feel self aware and kind of hyper aware. AND it's a great lesson to do me. No matter the consequences. I am what I am. I don't have any reason for hiding. But parts of me are trembling. Feeling naked and exposed. I'm not sure it's in a good way. And I want to be stripped down and fully seen in my truth. It's vulnerable as fuck. Maybe it's more about being vulnerable than scared. To be seen is scary. To reveal the full, raw, not so pretty truth of all my hang ups, fears, longings, wants and needs. I do hold myself tenderly in it all and I'm tired to manage everything on my own. Or at least those extremely vulnerable places where my closest friends can't follow. Because they can't truly understand. It's beyond words. It's deeply rooted in my body. I'm good with words,  even great. And I'm so freaking tired of them. Feelings yes. But give me sensations. Your scent. Touch. Skin. Lips. Drown me in all those things that exists beyond words. Let the body speak it's own primal language. Let the mind go for a long walk. It isn't needed here at the moment.

Skin hunger. Touch deprived. The ultimate hug, naked, skin to skin. Yes, sex is a part of it. AND a basic human need to be touched is the biggest part of it. It's a huge revelation to deeply feel into both. I know my hyper sexuality in the past has also been about not feeling safe enough to slow down. To feel truly safe with  a man. Not so much about feeling safe in my body. I actually did and don't have bad experiences. But emotionally,  I'm allowed to be myself? I'm too much? To wild? Wanting and needing too much. I do understand it had to affect my body in one way or other. But it's way more about my own bigness. My whole damn ocean. Overflowing. I'm way more aware and regulated these days. And I'm not willing to shrink down to a "decent" stream of water.

I can hold and manage. I can even have a good life on my own. I have created a good, solid life. With friends and family. Finding peace with my past relationships. Healing. Regulating. Growing and blooming. For real.

I want to relay on a man. It's scary as fuck to admit. Because it's vulnerable. Because it means to let go of my own ego in ways I can't imagine yet. I can do anything on my own and I'm damn good at it. I don't need more pratice in doing life alone. I need growth. I need healthy reminders to stay humble. And proud. To feel owned. And free. To dive into true union and merge completely. And to stand tall in my own being. To surrender to him for real. And still trust life and surrender even deeper to what is.

So fuck censorship. Full expression. Raw. Honest. Real. Wide open to this new cycle of Spring. New beginnings. New life. Changes. Life. Death. Reborn.  Life, Blessed Be.