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He destroyed me.

He destroyed me. Thank God. Crushing me and split me open. I can never go back to the woman I used to be. She is gone.

This new, impossible soft being of me. The being that can't lie to herself anymore. Only Truth, compassion and devotion are left. To myself. To life. And yes a new man is entering my life and I have to slow down even more. Practicing honesty in every tiny step on this path in yet again open myself to a masculine being and presence.

He doesn't fit. Or I want to push him away. I have fallen in love with my solitude. With being blissfully alone and just be. And I know that my devotion to the healthy masculine always leads me deeper into the Truth. Men and the masculine will always penetrate me deeper,  so I know that this new man is there because I need it. To penetrate my softness. To expand. To widen. To go deeper and beyond. Do I dare to be wide open in my vulnerable state of being. Do I dare to be completely naked, raw and express my need for safety,  to let him see and feel my heart and protect it?

Causal sex doesn't exist in my world. The few men I have had sex with the last couple of years have all contributed to deeper growth, to connect deeper to myself,  enlighten my hidden and unhealthy patterns of people pleasing and the need for being saved from myself.

So yes. He destroyed me. And thank God for that. I feel this deeply. He was the delicious devil at the crossroad. He woke me up to my deepest,  darkest desires to serve. The whore and the slut in me was insanely awaken in all her glory and wetness. Then he destroyed me. Left me wide open and with zero protection. The High Priestess, The Empress, The Moon and The World emerged from those broken pieces. The mighty power of my feminine greatness. In my brokenness,  in my soft rawness. On my knees being a completely mess. Crying to God for mercy. Let me have him. Let him be a part of my life. Please. I'm willing to anything. I'll sacrifice everything. Everything for you. My heart. My soul. My everything. And no. To slowly understand that he destroyed me and kneel down and to say thank you. Thank you for destroying me on every level possible. Every defence mechanism. Every old  outdated pattern. To say thank you for real. Deep bow to His destructive power. It woke me up to my own worth. To my own power. The Dark Masculine leaves you destroyed. Crushed. Wounded. Bleeding. Cracked open. From the death of me new potent life is growing. Fragile. From the darkness something is growing. Steady. Healthy. Deepens the root into my own being. He was my initiation. My Dark Lord. For those of you that have read my book, you know how Hades woke me up. I needed this. This is Persephone dragged down to the Underworld. Raped and captured by Hades. This is Inanna at the gates laying down every piece of herself and in the end her own life before she enters the deepest, darkest realms of Hades. And then the transformation is possible. To become Queen of life and death. To walk differently in the world. Forever carrying the mark of the Underworld. 

This new man in my life has deep and ancient roots to his heritage and history. Even my Norse roots seems new. He feels my power and he knows that Freya is following me. Not as a spiritual practice but as a deep psychological experience of my roots. She is the Oracle. She walks between worlds and realms. The Gods come to her for help,  support and problem solving. Even Odin has to learn from her. I was so surprised when She entered. This is the mature, dark feminine. Freya is sovereign in every realm she walks.

So whatever happens next. Thank you for destroying me. It made it possible to be the woman I am. Deep bow to you power. May you always be blessed by the Gods. Walk in health and may you always know you're deeply loved and cared for. Thank you. I love you.

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