Grief is surfacing. In all shades and forms. It's less about my mother and more about the men. At 44, I have a few long term relationships behind me, some short lived, pandemic relationships via Internet and as a former polyamorous I usually had all at once. Now I feel into those men, especially those I haven't taken my time to feel any grief for. My 8 year long, intense and so good relationship to a man that in the end was a hard core avoidant. Or my 20 years old married. My ex husband. His intense and ongoing inner struggle and noise. Listening to his daughter and our daughter, they both say the same. I never have said anything to them. I never talk bad about their father. It's a huge mirror and I hear them and I do so feel them. The chaotic mind, the misplaced energy, the collapse and the constant exhaustion.
I grieve them all. All the love they didn't get. Their nervous system in constant freez or fight or flight. I can see it so clearly and I mourn it. Those little boys never recived proper and secure love from their mothers.
So, it leaves me broke open. What now? How to deeply understand what to feel when I'm opening myself again towards a new man? No one is perfect. We all have wounds and patterns. But I truly want to meet a man that pays attention to his past, that truly want to grow and become more whole and free. And together amplifiy what we already are working on, or becoming. A true partnership, deep connection where we truly want to understand ourselves better. To be better, to be more whole and free. Together.
I'm terrified about " we" and "us". And at the same time I just want to merge with him and lose myself. So how to live with it all? We used to be me doing the hard work. Us ended in me shutting completely down. I disappeared in his inner noise. When I merged and wanted to become one, the darkness overwhelmed me.
I know they loved me. I know loving me is deeply confronting. I have my own wounds and toxic patterns. And in some ways it seems easy to believe that I have it all together. I have a huge ability to take care of myself. Because life demanded it. I easily do the changes needed to live more wholesome. I eat, work out and sleep as I need to face each day in the best way possible. It's just who I am.
And over the years I understand that the discipline I have made them both jealous and proud. The real problem started when I fell apart. When my own darkness and pain got too much. When I had to protect myself and my body couldn't handle having any intimacy. I was constantly overwhelmed in giving. Being pregnant. Birthing. And still he just wanted me to give more. My body shut down completely.
And the with the new man. My eros and sexuality exploded. He gave me life. I'm deeply grateful. Until the day I wasn't easy anymore. When I asked for more. When I over and over again was faced with a darkness I later understood wasn't my own. He loved me when I was easy going, when I was broken , when I had no sense of myself. He shamed me for being a overflowing cup when I'm a whole ocean.
So yes, those long term relationships have left their marks. I know their stories are different than mine. I don't know if they ever will take any accountability and in the end it doesn't matter. It's in the past. I feel the grief. I mourn our love. I wish them well.
My ex husband I still meet regularly because of the kids. But it's calm. I don't use any energy to tell him of my inner world. We are great Co parents and that's the only relationship I need with him.
It feels important to grieve. It feels important to understand some of the impact those relationships had on me. Not to blame or shame them. But to be more free to start over fresh. To meet a new man and not blame him for the past. It's so easy to fall in to the trap to believe that I'm wrong. Hard to love. Even impossible to love. That no man can't handle me. That I'm too much. Lost case.
I mourn all of that. I feel compassionate towards it all. The difference now is huge. I know I thrive on my own. For the first time in my life I have the capacity and time to choose and not just fall into a relationship by chance. I can take my time and trust my body. My nervous system can get enough time to respond appropriately.
It's a whole new life. What kind of man will meet me there? I'm open. I'm soft. I'm curious. I trust myself to be in the right place at the right time. I'm ready to explore and experience something I still can't imagine. Because the body hasn't the language yet. Thank you for meeting me there. I know you are out there in the world. Wanting to find me. Taking your time. Because you want this to last. Thank you. I love you
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