Why are you asking? I'm don't know what to say, to be honest. Yes I feel the hurt. The opening and the opportunity I asked for. I can't play the cool girl or falling into the clingy and needy sub again. So who am I in opening myself yet again to you? You are asking and I don't know if I can trust what I'm feeling. You feel wide open. It's always confuses me. You kept your distance and you pushed me out. Yet again and again I feel you in flashes and vision so freaking real. It isn't me thinking about you . You are there suddenly and randomly. I have prayed for the opening and here it is. Oh I so want to hurt you. Shame you. Rage at you. Despise you. You freaking fucking monster. You used me. The power dynamic was wrong. You took responsibility in the end, didn't you. For yourself but not for your actions. I told you I was new to all of this. And you left. Without guidance. Luckily for you I wasn't that suicidal at that time. Fuck. You destroyed me. I want so hard to blame you. Hate you. Scream and make you listen. And now you ask seemingly matter of factly "how have you been!?" WHAT THE FUCK MAN.
I'm slightly surprised of the rage. The sweet, soft sub that begged to serve you is still there but my wounds or maybe my oracle, The High Priestess is protecting me. The tarot cards are actually clear. My throat and speech is The Queen of Pentacles. Graceful. Calm. Steady. Grounded deeply into the eart with her roots and her branches stretched towards the sun and heavens. Queen of the material world.
So maybe just :" I don't know what to answer you. " Or "Life is complex"
What I truly crave is a deep and mutual conversation. To get the opportunity to truly connect beyond our story and see each other with new eyes and diving deep into unpacking all of that dynamic that so profoundly destroyed me. Men never destroy me. Ever. I get upset. Sad. But usually I can shake it off surprisingly easily. Because it's finished. Done. But you, not that much. I know "closure " is a trap that leaves people stuck for years. And maybe it's that but you are so freaking open in your energy. Or is it just me gone mad? As I usually assumed easily before you. But you proved me over and over again right. It wasn't just me. It was you. Way more often than not.
"I truly don't know how to answer you."
God damn. How He yet again leads me straight into my shadows and wounds just existing in the world. His grip on me has soften dramatically and he has been just a sweet ache for a while. It wasn't all consuming as it used to. I relaxed into it more. And just like that, full force.
It's fascinating to feel my own layers. Your mission in my life is to light up every damn unhealthy pattern that still holding me trapped. You never come gently even when I know your big, beautiful heart. I know how much you care for the world, me included. I know the burden you willingly are taking on because you see and feel deeply the hurt everywhere. It's was so many reasons I didn't just loved you, but truly worshiped you and wanted to be a real support for you. I admire you, I'm in awe and yet something in me rage at you. I see you flaws and it isn't it. I'm afraid of losing you. No. Not like you not being a part of my world. You are always that somehow. But I'm scared of you dying. I'm scared of the world without you existing. It doesn't matter if I'm yours or not. Just please God. Keep Him safe. Protect Him from harm. Let Him feel deeply loved, relaxed, held. I wanted so badly to be there. But it isn't ment to be. At least not now. So I can only soften around it. Over and over again. My ego hates you. My being loves you. No matter what.
So.. "How are you been?!"
To be honest with you, I don't know what to answer .
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