The deep healing in anal sex

And then I remember. Anal sex always makes me fall apart. I have felt it in self pleasure but then it's manageable. This time I'm fucked open in ways I can't remember. It's like a total collapse. I have to let go of control. I'm bleeding like my period and I feel like a train wreck. My lower back is hurting. I have to let go of control. I'm crying. I'm emotional. I'm still not depressed just thrown into something so unfamiliar. I have to speak from such a vulnerable and soft space. My whole messy life is on the line. Kind of.

He is there. Want to hold me, support me and be close. I don't have the space to be with him and I'm grateful for it. I have used so much time longing in the absence of touch and physical affection. Now that I actually have it, I understand how much time I need to adjust and regulate my own nervous system. I'm afraid to overwelm him with my messiness. It's scary to let myself be seen in all of this. It's a long time since I have felt so cherished, appreciated and free. He is healthy, strong and emphatic.

So yes...I have so little control in this. My body is taking over. Yes he leads me and more than anything my body leads. I have to kneel down and obey. She leads me into such radical honesty. What a wild journey. I have no need to do this alone really. I'm so deeply grateful for him and the medicine he is. But it's surprising to feel how my body seems to take completely over. I didn't see that one coming. Oh sweet life. What a ride. Drenched in pleasure, confusion and in awe of this body. Deep healing. Deep medicine. Depth is King. Thank you for leading me deeper. Always.